Know that feeling when you're just out on the street minding your own business at bar close and you get smacked right in the damn head with some pizza?
One woman in Mankato, Minnesota does, according to a police report filed this past weekend.
The victim flagged down a city cop to tell him she'd been assaulted by a flying cheese-covered food item some time around 2:00 a.m. Saturday morning. She adamantly wanted the pizza flinger to face justice.
"[The woman] demanded that I stop in the middle of the intersection because someone threw pizza at her," the officer filed in his subsequent report. "[She] had some pizza sauce in her hair and clothes."
She described the 'za-tosser as a "black female with red hair," and confronted the police officer because he would not "run after the pizza throwing suspect," posthaste.
One problem with her request: The cop in question didn't see anyone who matched that description. So who, exactly, was he supposed to be running after?
This wasn't good enough for the victim, who loudly informed the officer he was "worthless and not doing [his] job." A friend of hers also at the scene "was equally upset and emotional," and said she, too, had been hit with flying pizza, and also said she'd been "punched in the face three times by the supect."
Pretty upsetting already, right? But this story's about to take a turn.
"I tried to ask [the women] questions about the event," the cop wrote in his report, "but they were too excited to talk to me."
"They would continue to scream to each other, and me, and at others in the area."
"[The woman] stated, 'I fucking hate black people.'"
The cop says these two women hampered his efforts to investigate their alleged incident, constantly interrupting his interviews with other would-be witnesses. At one point, he writes, they stopped listening to him at all and just spoke to each other. Then the first woman, the one who'd flagged him down, got in his face and yelled at him; when he tried backing away, she grabbed his forearm, per his report, and he "warned her this behavior could result in her being placed in handcuffs."
Somewhere in there, a third person showed up, a male friend of these two women. He claimed that he, too, had been hit by some pizza, meaning their assailant was a serial pizza bully -- unless you care to subscribe to a "magic bullet" theory of ricocheting slices.
How do you suppose this shift ended for Mankato's beleaguered police officer?
Somehow, that's still not how this story ends. Roughly a dozen hours later, both women met the officer again in the same location in an effort to further pursue their case. In the light of day, the first woman -- the one who "fucking hate[s] black people" -- admitted she'd "walked out of [the pizza place] with the suspect."
In his follow-up report, the officer said he did recall seeing the alleged victim with another woman, though he "did not think she matched the description given nor did [she] appear to be involved in the disturbance" -- and dammit if that's not the right noun to describe what happened in Mankato the other night.
He then looked through cameras filming downtown Mankato (which we're led to believe exists) and "captured a photograph" of someone the woman said was her assailant. That photo's been distributed to "all officers" within the Mankato Police Department, and the case remains an open and active investigation.
Whoever did this, if indeed something happened, could be facing a fifth-degree assault charge, a misdemeanor.
City Pages will update this very important pizza violence story as more information becomes available.