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The New York Times will teach us how to make a Juicy Lucy

This "hamburger" is from the 5-8 Club. You can get the same thing at Matt's Bar, Blue Door Pub...lots of places. If you wanna make it at home, the New York Times has some advice.

This "hamburger" is from the 5-8 Club. You can get the same thing at Matt's Bar, Blue Door Pub...lots of places. If you wanna make it at home, the New York Times has some advice. Carlos Gonzalez, Star Tribune

Grape salad.

Triggered, snowflakes?

The New York Times will forever be in the hearts and Twitter mentions of Minnesotans, either because they think we eat some bizarre dessert-ish "salad" that looks like a fruit salad that got left out for YEARS and never thought to explain or mention it to anyone currently alive in this state.

Or if your weaknesses favor bad drinks over bad food, you could re-read their Big Buck Hunter-centric review of the local dating scene, which included a description of "the Tang" at C.C. Club. We at City Pages know our way around the C.C.Club, and we're not fully confident it has a popular "house special" that goes like this:

"A refreshing concoction of orange vodka, orange juice and Red Bull that seemed as if it could double as an effective paint stripper."

LOL wyd, NYT? 

In related news, the New York Times seems like it could double as an effective thing to wipe up spills, though make sure you're not cleaning up grape salad or "the Tang" because those are not things Minnesotans actually eat or drink, and both would be hard to clean up. Or consume.

And alas, the New York Times, well-known interpreter of our habits and maladies, has now weighed in on our true cultural food inheritance: the Juicy Lucy. 

Despite the Times' inability to figure us out, there's no avoiding the Juicy Lucy's place as canonical foodstuff in these parts. Search "juicy lucy" on citypages.com and you come up with a lot of results. Search "jucy lucy," the our-version-of-fun localized alternate spelling, and you get even more.

Face it, folks. You're stuck with social media posts of locals, tourists, and authentically stable-genius presidents eating these gol dang things forever. Instagram and its successor food porn platforms will be littered with shots of oozing cheese and beers and smiling faces and thumbs up.

Is a Juicy Lucy the best way to make and eat a hamburger? Nah. Is it the most Minnesotan? You betcha! 

NYT's insights are as follows:

  • It's not easy to home-make
  • It's kinda boring and you should "season with abandon" to make it taste good
  • It's not worth buying nice cheese because using inexpensive processed cheese is the "tradition"
  • It might "make a mess in the skillet"
  • You'll want it "moist" and "molten"
  • Toast the buns to the point they're "warmed and toasted in spots," but not, like, throughout, because... Midwest? Unclear.

Follow the Times' advice if you feel like it. "Serve immediately" if you want. For our money any recipe that comes with the caveat "the results far outweigh the challenge" and points out how few ingredients and how much salt and pepper you'll need to dump on it to make it thrive... it's like, people, just fucking go to Matt's or the 5-8 Club. Or both! Bring your friend Barack!

And: Go to New York! It's lovely this time of year, if a bit hot, and we hear the food is great. Rumor is they like pizza. Bring some back and please don't tell us how to make it at home. Some things are better left to people who know what they're doing.