The most popular place during these 12 days of the Great Minnesota Get Together is, unquestionably, Sweet Martha’s Cookie Jar. Lines of fairgoers waiting to take home buckets of chocolate chip cookies churned out by Martha’s ovens can snake and writhe wildly.
In this vein, remember time is precious, Xanax remains hard to come by, and as of late 2018 our beloved Cookie Empress bestowed upon her people an overlooked road to dessert-y satisfaction: Sweet Martha corporate offers a line of frozen cookie doughs in five flavors. All of them can be found, at present, in the frozen food aisle at your local grocer. We at City Pages went to the “trouble” of eating them all for you. Per usual, we viciously dissected their pros and cons in hopes that the best part of the Fair may follow beyond the confines of Snelling and Larpenteur avenues.
Without further ado, here are the at-home versions of Sweet Martha’s Cookies, ranked in ascending order of greatness, for your year-round pleasure:
5. White Chocolate Macadamia Nut
As a unit, the majority of us questioned why white chocolate and macadamia nut cookies exist, which is a rough place to start. In Sesame Street-land, this is the only of its peers to not like the others, in that it had no (regular) chocolate chips, which lent the batch an almost savory quality not unlike cream cheese. On the whole, we taste-testers devolved into a series of boooos reminiscent of the witch in The Princess Bride. You can do better, Martha.
4. Original Chocolate Chip
But… they aren’t? In the words of a colleague, these are “Thicc Bois,” and therefore not what you’d get at the Fair. Though A+ 100-percent decent in their own right, they suffer from the expectation of the aforementioned: They're not those crisp Fair wafers you'd expected to get, and unless you bake them directly into a bucket, a certain yellow something is missing. On the other hand, you could be baking them directly into a fresh bucket from a recent visit because you’re too anxious to do go through all that again… (Just buy Nestle; they could very well be the same thing.)
3. Oatmeal Chocolate Chip
These stood out from the crowd thanks to their textural component and (pleasantly!) strange amalgam of elements. The oats themselves seemed finely chopped, yet provided a welcomed tooth and chewiness to the final product. The batter’s spice had an almost appley taste to it, which made the cookies palate almost like pleasant fruit cakes. Meanwhile, the chocolate chips were portioned exactly right so as to not be overpowering. Get them and feel healthy-ish?
2. Gourmet Chocolate Chunk
Much like Virginia is for Lovers, these cookies are for chocolate lovers. They feel so decadent one might even say they’re for the bourgeoisie. The intense chocolate explosion created by the mixture of tiny chips and giant chonks made us feel like we were living above our means just this once. By the end of the sampling, we’d taken to calling this batch the “GourmeT” with a hard T… because (surprise, surprise) we can’t actually have nice things without ruining them.
1. Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip
Martha hacked us. There was no resisting. Just like we were built to hate on the White Chocolate Macadamia Nut variety, we were predisposed to enjoy these simply because they’re peanut butter and chocolate. We’re calling it the “Reese’s Effect.” This is an admitted bias and, hey, we’re fine with that! If it makes this list any more reliable, it’s 100 percent truthful to say that these were by far the most moist of all the varieties, and also experienced a boost from the addition of bigger chonks-not-chips chocolate pieces.