No, not, like, 'High." Like, hi, as in, "just saying hi." Why would you think we were saying "high" like...
Wait a minute! Are you high right now, St. Paul? You rascal you! Should've known it. You haven't left the house, haven't changed out of those pajama pants... you do realize that's just the trailer for Arrested Development you've been watching on the Netflix home screen, right?
Turns out you're in luck. City Pages has learned of a new business that is simultaneously revolutionizing the worlds of eating and laziness. It is called Jufode.com -- we don't get it either! -- and it is amazing.
Just read this "HOW IT WORKS" description of Jufode's business model. It's written in all caps, because everything on Jufode.com is in all caps.
THIS IS A STEP BY STEP GUIDE ON HOW TO ORDER YOUR FAVORITE JUNK FOOD IN 4 EASY STEPS.
PLEASE CHOOSE WHICH JUNK FOOD YOU WANT AND THEN ADD THE ITEMS TO YOUR CART. ONCE SATISFIED WITH THE ITEMS YOU WISH TO PURCHASE, PLEASE CLICK THE "RED SHOPPING CART BUTTON" IN THE TOP RIGHT HAND CORNER. ONCE YOU CLICK THE "RED SHOPPING CART BUTTON" THE CART WILL APPEAR BELOW THE BUTTON AND THEN YOU MAY EITHER "ADD A DELIVERY TIP" OR "PROCEED TO CHECKOUT"
Jufode accepts credit cards or cash, in case you don't feel like handing over your credit info to someone who seems to be yelling at you about junk food. Speaking of that feeling, the site warns you to give a valid email and phone number, just in case "THE DELIVERY DRIVER IS HAVING A PROBLEM REGARDING YOUR ORDER OR ADDRESS OR IF WE CANCELLED YOUR ORDER DUE TO UNAVAILABILITY OF ANY OF THE ITEMS YOU HAVE ADDED TO THE CART."
That's no idle threat. Under the "HOSTESS" tab of the "DESSERTS & MORE" section, a click through to learn more about this "HOSTESS® TWINKIE®" ($2.00 US) brings up the urgent message "HURRY, ONLY 1 LEFT." And if you read those last few words, it means you just lost out on that Twinkie to someone who knows when to bail on a boring sentence and start buying a Twinkie.
Also available: Old Dutch potato chips (three varieties), Bugles (one variety), candy bars (many varieties!), Powerade, diet sodas, M&Ms, Starburst, and, someday soon, "ICE CREAM." Isn't this just the weirdest, grandest damn business idea you've heard of all week?
As of now, it's only available in St. Paul, West St. Paul, South St. Paul, and a handful of eastern suburbs (Little Canada, Mendota Heights, Inver Grove Heights, Sunfish Lake). If the people you know who live in those cities suddenly stop showing up for work, or ever leaving their homes, now you know why. They have weed and junk food. Go to them. Help them find the remote.