Most Americans arrived here fleeing war, famine, dictators, enslavement, and religious tyranny, all in the hope of finding safety and something beyond a subsistence living. Together, we created the weirdest superpower the world has ever known.
But had President Trump’s new immigration policy been enacted at the dawn of the nation, America would have developed into little more than a mid-sized country club – with no one to mow the fairways. You would not be invited.
Beneath the rhetoric of keeping distasteful moochers from our shores are details showing just who Trump thinks is an asset to the country. And those details strongly suggest that you are not.
The bill, sponsored by Senators David Perdue (R-Georgia) and Tom Cotton (R-Arkansas), outlines a point system to grade the desirability of newcomers. The successful immigrant would need at least 30 points to be eligible for a visa. The higher you score, the more likely you will soon be complaining about health care and denouncing your fellow citizens in internet comment sections.
Unfortunately, the ideal American looks nothing like you.
Under Trump’s plan, it’s best to be young – just not too young. The optimum age is 26-30, for which you receive 10 points. But if you’re under 18 and fleeing a genocidal African regime, good luck evading those armed bands of serial rapists. You’re ineligible. And while people 50-plus can apply, they get zero points. The last thing we need is a bunch of new guys with age spots whining about their old cricket injuries.
A high school diploma will get you one point. A U.S. bachelor’s degree will get you 6. But while you may be a renowned literary scholar or professor of antiquities, keep your little knowledge in Bangladesh, pal. A foreign doctorate in the arts will get you less than a degree in phrenology from the University of Phoenix. We will, however, give you 13 for one in science, technology, engineering, or math, if only to serve a national imperative: undercutting the labor market in Silicon Valley.
Henceforth, a poor grasp of English will be strictly reserved for working the customer service hotline of a major corporation. And you’ll have to stay in the Philippines, where you belong.
You will also need an existing job offer of $77,900 or more. Anything less, zero points. The same goes for your bank account, where you’ll need at least $1.35 million to invest in a “new commercial enterprise.” Show up any lighter in the wallet, and there’ll be no points for you, Gustav.
Of course, your utter worthlessness can be redeemed if you happen to have won a Nobel Prize, which is worth 25 points. Medaling in the Olympics during the last eight years will get you 15. After all, America’s greatness will surely be retrieved if we can only convince the guy who won the 2012 bronze in archery to move to Wyoming.
Time has assembled a questionnaire to tabulate how you’d fare. But be forewarned. While you may be able to trace your ancestors back to the glory days in Massachusetts, when we were walking tall, burning witches, and mooching food off the Indians, be thankful you got in early while the standards were low.
Chances are you’re no longer worthy of calling yourself an American.
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