Are your inflammatory posts going unliked on Facebook, even by your best bro Chad? Do you find yourself cornered in Twitter fights where all you can type is, “What about Benghazi?!” Are you finally ready to own that 13-year-old neighbor girl on Nextdoor?
Fret not, patriot! The Conservative Troll App will have you slaying in no time!
This miracle technology was developed to counter the inadequacies of men just like you. Whether you’re on break at Arby’s, waiting for your next child support hearing, or at home in grandma’s attic, you can be kicking libtard ass with just few clicks of a button!
It all begins with selecting an online persona. Choose from Internet Tough Guy, Constitutional Conservative, Mean Jesus Disciple, Dog Whistler, or everyone’s traditional favorite, Victimized White Guy.
Now it’s time to customize the new ball-busting you. Our patented leveling system allows you to calibrate precise levels of sanctimony and condescension like never before! Get a load of these exciting features:
The Aggro Meter:
No one will ever confuse you for Dr. Cuck, M.D.! Simply choose your level of rage, and The Aggro Meter does the rest. It automatically loads your diatribes with finest in internet ferocity, including physical threats, random passages in all-caps, and vague yet mysterious references to your “third tour in ‘Nam.”
The IQ Enhancer:
Want to blend that rage with the best intellectual tropes? Just type away, and your rants will be stacked with citations to discredited studies by the Freedom Foundation, the Center of the American Experiment, and other leading institutes with “America” and “Freedom” in their names.
Bonus: You can forget about ever having to read that pesky Constitution. (Spoiler alert: It’s borrrrring.) The IQ Enhancer will misquote it for you, allowing you to divine the Founding Fathers original intent while barely looking up from PlayStation!
Want to blast those Christophobes back to south Minneapolis or France? Just click the icon, and the globalist feminist abortioneers will be running for cover. Whether you’re debating gun control, or the right to open fire on migrant caravans, the Captain Piety feature will summon semi-articulate Biblical justifications for any position you take!
The Race-Baiter 5000:
This handsome add-on allows you to become the kind of subtle, sophisticated racist you’ve always aspired to be. It offers pre-packaged tirades on all the hottest topics, including white genocide, chain migration, and disease-ridden socioislamofascists.
The Social Life Generator:
Of course, your new persona won’t be complete without an artificially enhanced social life. Astonish your foes with references like “as I was having dinner with my girlfriend last night,” “when me and my buddies were at the bar,” and “this chick who was hitting on me at the Toby Keith show.”
By cranking the level to 10, your enemies will also know that you’ve worked hard to buy that “Buick Enclave” in your driveway, and no social justice unicorn is about to get their hands on your “six-figure salary” or your “condo in Blaine!”
Emergency Diversionary Mode:
Alas, not even the best of patriots can play at 100 percent all the time. That’s why we’ve created an escape hatch for when you unexpectedly find yourself in trouble.
If that middle-aged woman from Hibbing is besting you in a flame war over false flag crisis actors, Diversionary Mode automatically assumes command of the debate, bombing her with random phrases like “What about Hillary’s emails?,” “Lincoln was a Republican,” and “Yeah, but Monica Lewinsky.”
Best of all, the Conservative Troll App comes with an intuitive algorithm that precisely matches your natural misspellings, mangled grammar, and chaotic punctuation. Your rants will seem so authentic, no one will ever accuse you of being a sheeple!
The Conservative Troll App can be had for just 18 installments of $39.99. And if you order today, we’ll throw in a rare, limited edition coin commemorating Ted Cruz’s birth in a Bethlehem manger.
So what are you waiting for, your Flag Burners Anonymous Meeting? (JK, LOL!) Order before midnight tonight, and start slaying those Prius-driving eunuchs today!