Are you tired of keeping track of America’s endless mass shootings at schools, jobs, nightclubs, concerts, etc., etc., etc.?
Do you worry about getting carpal tunnel from continually typing your thoughts and prayers?
Wouldn’t it be nice if there was an easier way to show your artificial concern? One that didn’t require work? Or any caring at all?
Introducing Thoughts & Prayers, the new app that allows you to conspicuously care with no effort whatsoever!
Simply load the app to your phone. It automatically tracks national tragedies, issuing your thoughts and prayers before any of your Facebook friends! With a record 375 mass shootings in the last year alone, think of all the time you’ll save!
That’s why so many leading figures have already downloaded the app. Look what these satisfied customers have to say!
“I take so much NRA money, nobody actually believes I care about dead kids in Florida, LOL! But I still like to Tweet my thoughts and prayers, just in case my pastor is following! Thanks Thoughts & Prayers!”
Speaker of the House
“In the old days, when a constituent died due lack of health coverage, I had to drop whatever I was doing and send my thoughts and prayers. Borrrrrring! Even if what I was doing was way more important, like dining with Pfizer lobbyists. Now I can pretend to care about people who don’t count while not missing the appetizers! You’re a time-saver, Thoughts & Prayers app!”
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