The 10 worst predictions for Minnesota in 2018

Garrison Keillor's Fox North hunting show was short-lived because he kept losing his gun.

Garrison Keillor's Fox North hunting show was short-lived because he kept losing his gun. Wikimedia

10. Garrison Keillor quits hunting show over cancellation of poetry segment

Tensions on the set of Garrison Keillor’s Fox North hunting show have finally led to the cancellation of Killing with Keillor.

The show, meant to burnish the host’s reputation following sexual harassment claims, was plagued from the outset. Producers say Keillor’s penchant for loudly singing hymns in deer stands and duck blinds scared game away. He also frequently lost his gun.

The friction reached a tipping point when producers cancelled the poetry segment, during which Keillor read to noticeably irritated hunting companions around a campfire. Keillor is now said to be angling for a color commentary position on Gopher women’s hockey broadcasts.


9. Erik Paulsen finally holds town hall meeting to face ‘constituents’

After successfully avoiding voters for years, Congressman Erik Paulsen held a town hall meeting to face restive constituents. A packed house of 14 people attended the event, which was held in a bank vault.

Critics say the invitation-only affair was designed to shield Paulsen from real constituents. But the congressman asserted the meeting was nothing like the choreographed events he known for staging. As proof, he pointed to the “vigorous line of questioning,” which included such queries as, “Did you do something new with your hair?” and “How many zeroes do you want in this month's check?”


8. Prince heirs go six months without suing anyone

Carver County Courthouse workers broke out the cake and ice cream to celebrate a milestone: Six full months without Prince’s heirs suing anyone.

Since the death of the famed musician, the courthouse has been besieged by high-powered lawyers in a frenzy of billable hours. One stenographer likened it to “an invasion of people you’d never want to get cornered by at a party.”

The lawyers often handed keys to sheriff’s deputies, assuming they were valet parking attendants, and screamed at clerks to retrieve their dry cleaning. Even a sign taped to the front door -- “No speaking of yourself in the third person on this premises” – went unheeded.

As one judge put it, the courthouse is now frequented by a “nicer class of people, like crackheads and deadbeat dads.” 


7. Kurt Daudt vows tough new gun bill

Proclaiming that “our national nightmare must end,” Minnesota House Speaker Kurt Daudt introduced sweeping legislation that would ban all military-style guns in the state, allowing only firearms that can reasonably be used for hunting or self-defense.

It was a surprising move by the Republican leader, who is often spotted washing cars in the NRA’s executive parking lot. Yet Daudt noted there have been 1,552 mass shootings since a gunman slaughtered 20 children at Sandy Hook Elementary School in 2012. He was also motivated by a recent ISIS video, which urged followers to exploit America’s liberal gun laws to murder infidels.

“Am I gonna miss the NRA’s money?” the speaker asked rhetorically. “Let me put it this way: I’ve cried myself to sleep since Thanksgiving. But it’s one thing to have these homegrown massacres. You know, thoughts and prayers and all. Yet it’s entirely another when we let these swarthy, foreigner-types enter this country to do our killing.”


6. Vikings offer to pay for something

The Minnesota Vikings, the state’s largest welfare queen, startled residents this week when they reached for their own wallet. The unusual development was prompted after a waitress dropped a faux silver serving tray in a Valhalla Suite at U.S. Bank Stadium.

Instead of asking taxpayers to cover the dented item, owner Zygy Wilf presented a $14 ceremonial check to the Minnesota Sports Facilities Authority. Accountants were swiftly dispatched to the bank to ensure it didn’t bounce.


5. Al Franken named dean of women’s studies

In a bid to resume his public service career, former U.S. Senator Al Franken was appointed dean of the Women’s Studies Program at the University of Minnesota Crookston.

Franken said he plans to “reimagine the entire role of feminism, so the fillies stop harshing on me.” Though he has yet to establish a full curriculum, prospective course titles include “Groping: Think of it as a compliment” and “Yeah, but what do you expect when you dress like that?”

The former politician hopes to rejuvenate his career in time for the 2018 election, when he plans to run again for his former seat, this time as a Republican. Franken believes the GOP is a better fit, saying he was heartened by the party’s nomination of an Alabama pedophile banned from the mall. “They’d nominate a Chechen war criminal if it meant another seat in the Senate,” he said admiringly. 


4. Jolly Huntsmen win Grammies

As the Era of the Banjo wanes, Grammy voters appear to be looking for the next big thing. They found it in Minnesota’s own Jolly Huntsmen.

The band, acclaimed for its roaring “Alpine polka,” won the Album of the Year award last night for its “Double-Live at the Crow Wing County Senior Center.” The Huntsmen’s hit single, “Lena buys a mule,” also won for best Pop Duo/Group Performance.


3. UnitedHealth lower prices, sends capitalism reeling

In an astonishing press conference today, UnitedHealth CEO David Wichmann announced that “I am the problem with American health care,” vowing to slash premiums in the coming year.

With revenues skyrocketing at rates of 30 percent per quarter, Wichmann said he’d grown weary of “picking customers' purses as if they were drunk sorority girls passed out in an alley.”

When asked if he’d personally be making a sacrifice, the CEO responded, “Don’t be ridiculous.” Instead, United plans to halve the pay of rank-and-file employees, while ramping up the systematic denial of claims and understaffing phone lines so customers become too frustrated to appeal.


2. St. Louis Park quarantined over ‘girls’ germs’ outbreak

Just days after he was named director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), Eric Trump ordered a quarantine of St. Louis Park, citing an outbreak of “girls’ germs.” No one will be allowed in or out of the suburb until further notice.

Though the agency’s lone remaining scientist called the disease a schoolyard myth, the president’s son said he knew the contagion was real, since he heard about it from a friend of a friend on Instagram, “who’s totally not gay or anything.”

Trump called himself a “survivor” of the illness, claiming to have contracted it during his senior year of high school, when he was beat up by a freshman he sought to date. He still blames the illness for losing his third-string safety spot on the JV football team.

A spokesman for the CDC couldn’t say when the quarantine will end, since Trump left for an Aruba vacation shortly after the order was issued, and is no longer answering his phone.


1. PolyMet admits mine will be an ‘environmental disaster’

In a speech before the Hoyt Lakes Chamber of Commerce, a PolyMet spokesman admitted that his company’s proposed copper and nickel mine will eventually become an “environmental disaster akin to the burning fires of Hades.”

By PolyMet’s own calculations, toxic water pollution near the site will have to be monitored for 500 years. That led some Chamber members to ask about safety precautions. Near the end of a Q and A session, a clearly frustrated Raymond Mephistopheles, the company’s vice president of communications, broke from script to lecture the audience.

“Here’s the deal,” he said. “We promise 360 jobs, but we’re only gonna have 100, because you always inflate these things whenever you’re pitching a project. That’s just Business 101. Then we’re gonna dig till she’s bare and bankrupt the subsidiary so we don’t have to pay for the cleanup. Your kids are gonna grow dorsal fins. They’re gonna have tumors the size of Chrysler minivans. And you get to pay for it.

“I mean, this is how it always goes down in mining. Don’t you people have Google?”

Appearing satisfied with PolyMet’s safety precautions, Chambers members unanimously voted to support the project.