The Daily Stormer, America's premier Nazi website, has turned its legendary reporting skills to Minnesota, uncloaking a startling revelation: U.S. Senator Tina Smith is not a Jew.
It appears that during the hub-bub of Al Franken's resignation, Gov. Mark Dayton's nomination of Smith, and the fact that women now hold 22 Senate seats -- the largest number in history -- residents forgot to ask Smith a most pressing question: Are you a Jew?
Apparently she is not. So says Andrew Anglin, the Daily Stormer's founder and author of the investigative report. As one of the nation's leading Nazis, he can smell Judaism the way Roy Moore can detect the scent of a middle school cheerleading practice. Smith, he notes, is the first non-Jew to hold the Senate seat since before he was born.
The nefarious takeover began in 1978 with Republican Rudy Boschwitz, moved to Democrat Paul Wellstone, flipped again to Republican Norm Coleman, then fell to Franken, who would eventually abdicate for being a creeper. Though Anglin believes Smith is a "leftist extremist," at least she's a "goy."
Chances are that most Minnesotans didn't know -- or more likely, didn't care -- that they were secretly under the yoke of the International Zionist Conspiracy. But Anglin implies this was a bad, bad thing, though he doesn't say why. Apparently the message is implicit to Daily Stormer readership, which is exclusively composed of 48-year-old men who still mooch cig money from their moms.
Anglin admits he's startled that Dayton didn't preserve the reign of tyranny. "I’m a little bit shocked that they didn’t make a point to replace Franken with a Jew, just to keep with the tradition of Minnesota Swedes being lorded over by Hebrews," he writes.
Yet Jonah Bjornqvist, a fork lift operator in Ely and the official spokesman for Minnesota's Swedes, says Swedes always appreciated the Jews for being willing to do "that shitty job." Bjornqvist also asserts that Anglin isn't qualified to speak for his people, since he "was probably always picked last for pond hockey, and can't even field dress an elk."