One of the more despairing moments of last week’s elections was the resounding stiff-arm of Republican Jesus.
Since the Age of Reagan, He’d become the country’s most popular deity, trading at $78 a share above Regular Jesus on the New York Stock Exchange. His skill was in simplifying the Bible, discarding unnecessary teachings like charity, humility, and other naïve clichés that failed to offer any profitable commercial application.
It freed His followers to pursue the Gospel of It’s All About Me, a much more American approach to Christianity, in which they could still wield a conspicuous piety, but with only a fraction of the effort.
Yet last Tuesday, Minnesota tempted damnation of its eternal soul. Some of Republican Jesus’ greatest disciples – and His most important beliefs – were sent by ballot to the Burning Lake of Fire:
“And He healed many who were ill with various diseases. But not before they showed proof of insurance, because it’s not my problem you got cancer.” –Mark 1:34
Coddling the sick and aged only breeds a sense of entitlement, according to Republican Jesus. They’ll think that someone’s supposed to help them with their Hodgkin’s disease, instead of curing it themselves.
Though Jason Lewis and Erik Paulsen both voted to let states blow off protections for pre-existing conditions, no one channeled the Gospel of Mark quite like Karin Housley.
The Senate hopeful didn’t bother to come up with a health care plan until a week before the election, showing the proper ecclesiastical neglect this topic deserved. If God really wanted to cure heart disease, do you think He would have invented the pre-paid deductible?
Despite her devotion to our Lord and Savior, Housley lost to former Planned Parenthood abortioneer Tina Smith by 274,000 votes. It was a sign that the devil is alive and marauding in Minnesota. And he’s not taking his government-mandated break for supper.
“You shall not bear false witness, unless you’re desperately clinging to your congressional seat.” –Matthew 19:18
When it comes to false bearing, all politicians belong in the gifted class. Yet only one gets to graduate Summa Cum Laude: Congressman Erik Paulsen.
He was a tour de force of fallacious witnessing, accusing opponent Dean Phillips of covering up sexual abuse, trying to steal nurses’ health care, hiding money in off-shore accounts, and defiling the good name of Pat Kessler, the Patron Saint of the Teleprompter.
Despite his white-hot performance – he was named False Witnesser of the Year by the Southern Baptist Convention -- he nonetheless lost by 41,000 votes.
“Whoever hits you on the cheek, shoot him in the face. Though all God’s children are created equal, the guy with the concealed carry permit is clearly way more equal. ” –Luke 6:29
For years theologians have misread the Good Word to conclude that God’s a pacifist, willing to get slapped around like some vice-president of acquisitions at a cowboy saloon. But if this was true, why did He invent the Kalashnikov KR-9 with the 30-round magazine and handsome leather carrying case, a steal at just $1,249?
Republican Jesus knows that massacres at schools, churches, synagogues, temples, mosques, yoga studios, country music concerts, movie theaters, army bases, etc., etc., are a small price to pay so a man can feel safe walking into the Cracker Barrel in Lakeville. Soon-to-be-ex-Congressman Jason Lewis was His foremost apostle in Minnesota.
He voted to let the mentally ill buy guns, and pushed to allow people with permits from other states to carry in Minnesota.
“Blessed are the gun laws of Mississippi,” Republican Jesus once said, “for they are meek and will let you shoot that scary kid in the hoodie.”
Alas, Saint Jason lost by 18,000 votes. To a liberal… lesbian… woman!
It was a clear sign that Satan is near. Don’t be surprised if he eats the last of your lunch meat.
“For I was hungry, and you told me to get a second job. I was thirsty, and you sprayed me with your garden hose. I was a stranger, and you stockpiled ammo and put a ‘Protected by Smith & Wesson’ sign on your door.” –Matthew 25:35
Had Mother Mary showed up at Republican Jesus’ manger, He would have charged her $600 a night. That’s what she gets for checking in late and failing to produce a photo ID.
He knows that refugees are sooo entitled. Just because they’re fleeing war and genocide and famine doesn’t mean they deserve a handout. So Congressman-elect Jim Hagedorn had the good sense to use the dimmer switch on the Star of Bethlehem so no social justice warriors would show up in southern Minnesota.
As you may have heard, a caravan of Latin American migrants is headed our way. Hagedorn warned that this herd of moms pushing baby strollers would soon be upon us. They would dress in colors much too bright for the season. Grocery stores would begin stocking spicy, unpronounceable food. The Circle of Hell was nigh.
For his brave warning – think of him as the Paul Revere of the Prosperity Gospel – Hagedorn was awarded a slim 1,300-vote win over Dan Feehan, acolyte of Beelzebub.
It may have been Republican Jesus’ only victory of the night. But when you’re a down-on-your-luck savior plummeting in the Nielsen ratings, you have to take what you can get.