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Minneapolis ranks 10th on the U.S. Hipster Index

The ubiquitous species is more likely to be found eating small batch salsa in something called "Spokane" than he is in Minneapolis.

The ubiquitous species is more likely to be found eating small batch salsa in something called "Spokane" than he is in Minneapolis. Clem Onojeghuo

Despite our bounty of beard farmers, dog-friendly breweries, and ironic happy hours featuring cheap canned beer, Minneapolis ranks a mere 10th on America’s list of top 10 hipster cities.

So say the esteemed scientists at MoveHub, which is actually a site for getting quotes from movers, but let’s not quibble.

The study measured cities’ per capita ratios of vegan eateries, coffee shops, tattoo studios, vintage boutiques, and record stores. Portland naturally finished first, with Seattle coming in third. But the rest of the cities triumphing over Minneapolis leads one to believe we were screwed by the limited methodology.

For example, Salt Lake City finished second, even though it’s populated by women in pioneer dresses who are the fifth sister-wife of an elderly man named Warren.

A slew of Florida cities – Miami, Tampa, Fort Lauderdale, and Orlando – also finished higher. This despite being the migratory center for people like your Uncle Wilbert, who wanted to retire someplace warm so he could watch the Weather Channel all day.

We were even beaten by something called “Spokane.” Is that a bicycle manufacturer?

St. Paul finished a dismal 133rd, which prompted a round of cheers in City Hall. Everyone headed to the bar to celebrate.

Meanwhile, Minneapolis is expected to launch a formal protest. A spokesman at the mayor’s office said he was too busy to comment, noting that city workers were feverishly compiling new stats on moustache wax sales, the availability of avocado toast, dive bars with no one over 35, and pounds of kale sold per capita, which would be presented to MoveHub as part of the appeal.

And if that appeal is denied, city officials are expected to fire off a new complaint centered on small-batch salsa companies, American Spirit sales, and the percentage non-prescription eyeglasses worn.