The FBI has issued an all-points bulletin for Melvin K. Sturgeon, aka “Melvin the Sinister.”
Sturgeon is wanted for a string of bait shop robberies and the hijacking of a lutefisk delivery van. He’s also suspected of terrorizing the Bjornson family’s vacation by eating their jet ski and repeatedly taunting daughter Jenny that she could “stand to lose a few pounds” while she sunbathed.
Sturgeon has an extensive criminal record, including convictions for impersonating a game warden, joyriding on a dinner cruise boat, and illegally trading in night crawler futures. He is believed to be the head of the MS-13 gang’s aquatic division.
Sturgeon is 6-foot-1 and weighs approximately 12,000 pounds, with a brown-gray complexion that speaks to possible foreign origin. Previous victims have described his eyes as “blacker than Paul Ryan’s heart.”
The suspect was last seen in May on the Rainy River in Koochiching County. Catch-and-release fisherman Jack Burke said the pair briefly posed for a selfie and discussed the Twins’ infield. Sturgeon was of the belief that they should have traded Brian Dozier during the off-season while he still had value.
Informants say the suspect can be a charming, highly social creature known to frequent metal shows and casino bars. A self-styled lady’s man, Sturgeon is believed to have sired 128 children, mostly out of wedlock. Companions say he possesses a sophisticated amorous arsenal, including smooth patter, an ability to ladle seemingly heartfelt compliments, and the constant presence of a subordinate to play Barry White songs on his cell phone.
A number of fish – and certain Iowa tourists – have reportedly fallen under Sturgeon’s romantic sway, only to wake up the next morning to find their credit cards gone and no one playing the Barry White. The Minnesota Department of Family Services is seeking to question him for a series of unmet child support payments.
The suspect is thought to have evaded capture by staying constantly on the move throughout greater Minnesota. A fugitive matching Sturgeon’s description recently kidnapped the sales staff of Machasky Plumbing Supply in Faribault, releasing them only after relatives paid a ransom of Mrs. Paul’s garlic shrimp and a suitcase full of bug larvae.
Sturgeon is also believed to have masterminded the South St. Paul theft of a barge filled with scrap aluminum, later recovered in a raid on a gang safe house in Lake Winnibigoshish. Those arrested were too fearful to disclose the gang leader’s whereabouts.
“He’ll kick my dorsal fin if I squeal to youse coppers,” commented one henchman, speaking in the 1930s crime noir patois favored by the gang.
The FBI is urging citizens to immediately report sightings of Sturgeon. He is considered unarmed due to his lack of opposable thumbs, but highly dangerous.