Call it the War of the Misguided Hairdos.
In one corner we have Kim Jong-un, an insecure daddy’s boy who starves his country to hoard its slender riches, yet is too cheap to spring for anything more than a $2 haircut.
In the other corner we have Donald Trump, a daddy’s boy of even greater insecurity who looks in the mirror and sees the love child of Einstein and Hercules, even though he pays $500 to the same hairdresser as Jong-un.
Put them in the same ring – or more accurately, in a war of words that resembles fisticuffs between two trophy wives at an Edina PTA meeting – and America is presented with its greatest threat of a nuclear strike since Ronald Reagan doddered around the White House, pretending he was starring in his own action movie.
Thankfully, the good people of realtor.com are concerned with your well-being. They studied the nation’s 200 largest metro areas to see which will be the safest to ride out this collision of errant testosterone.
Their conclusion: Head north, good citizen. Duluth is calling you.
The site used several factors, ranging from weirdness (percentage of homes with bunkers and fallout shelters) to essentials (fresh drinking water, solar power) to a locale’s potential as a target (manufacturing or a concentration of military personnel).
Duluth finished seventh. The Top 5: Kansas City; New Haven, Connecticut; Ann Arbor; Hagerstown, Maryland; and Springfield, Massachusetts.
Duluth’s score namely comes from its access to Lake Superior, its large percentage of health care workers, and Minnesota’s generally high rank in developing solar power, allowing residents to survive when the power grid collapses.
It also helps that Greater Duluth contains just 279,000 people, 169th among America’s metropolitan areas. The thinking goes that North Korea is mostly likely to attack larger metropolises. Or that Jong-un can’t count that high.
In the meantime, It might be wise to flee Minneapolis-St. Paul before the nukes start flying. Though we’re short on targets like military bases, and we’re not a particularly brimming center of finance, simply living in a city presents danger.
Pandemonium in large cities is expected to leave roads clogged and hospitals overrun. And with 3.5 million people, the Twin Cities composes the nation's 16th largest metro area. If Jong-un can’t count that high, he likely knows someone who can.
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