Hey, listen. We don't want to go there any more than you do.
And yet, yesterday's Daily Beast story about former FBI attorney Lisa Page leaves us no choice but to revisit a moment so strange, so uncomfortable, it stands out even now, even for Trump.
It was Page whose affair and text messages with FBI agent Peter Strzok, circa 2016 and made public in 2017, helped birth a subculture of conspiracies about the "deep state" and its secret campaign to bring down a man who voluntarily tweets admissions of guilt to impeachable offenses about three times a week.
A disturbing amount of this theory rests on the fact that Stzrok and Page were 1) hooking up behind their spouses' backs and 2) rooting for Trump to lose the election.
Only the most special brains can connect two low-level FBI employees' texts and a long-running "deep state" conspiracy to bring down a president. Trump's is just such a mind, and he and his most internet-informed followers have suggested the agency might have spied on his campaign.
Page, who left the agency in mid-2018, has seen her professional reputation and personal life dragged through the mud, often by the president himself. He did it again yesterday after the Daily Beast's story was published.
When Lisa Page, the lover of Peter Strzok, talks about being “crushed”, and how innocent she is, ask her to read Peter’s “Insurance Policy” text, to her, just in case Hillary loses. Also, why were the lovers text messages scrubbed after he left Mueller. Where are they Lisa?— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 2, 2019
Page has suffered through the right-wing rumors and stomached Trump's incessant attacks. Turns out the last straw, the thing she could no longer ignore, came—shit, sorry, occurred—during his October 11 Target Center rally.
The campaign event, Trump's first in some time, was notable for rhetorical roller coasters about Eric Trump's height, "Mr. and Mrs. Somebody from Some Great State," and a really beautiful nose. If you heard another man talking like this, you'd check the black-market male enhancement pills in his pocket to see if the warning label had been translated into English.
Strangest of all was the president of the United States' disturbingly enthusiastic reenactment of texts between Page and Stzrok.
“Honestly," Page said, "[Trump's] demeaning fake orgasm was really the straw that broke the camel’s back."
(Sorry. You were warned.)
“Honestly, [Trump’s] demeaning fake orgasm was really the straw that broke the camel’s back,” Lisa Page told @MollyJongFast, explaining why she’s speaking out now (https://t.co/8sqkHPNiZB)— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) December 2, 2019
Here’s video of that incident ��pic.twitter.com/oEokCo6pvb
Surely there's no way this could get less sexy. There is nothing you could add to Trump's breathy delivery punctuated by his supporters' belly laughs that might make more people reconsider not only sex itself, but the very concept of temporary physical attraction to another human.
But reader: You haven't seen Ben Shapiro make himself laugh.
Ben Shapiro breaks down Trump's fake orgasm: "I don't know what your orgasms sound like but this is a weird take on an orgasm if this is supposedly an orgasm" pic.twitter.com/OxxxXAnAJ6— Jason Campbell (@JasonSCampbell) December 2, 2019
That's it, it's over. Clear your calendar. All sex of any kind is canceled until further notice.