The inauguration of Donald J. Trump as 45th President of the United States is having a tough week.
First came the news that Broadway singer Jennifer Holiday wouldn't be singing there, after she'd learned her gay and lesbian fans were by and large not Trump supporters.
Then yesterday, a Bruce Springsteen cover band decided they, too, had too much of a reputation at stake to get involved.
On the more officious and meaningful side of the ledger, civil rights movement icon Rep. John Lewis, D-Georgia, said he would not attend the Friday ceremony because he considers Trump an "illegitimate" president due to Russian interference in the election.
Lewis' announcement set off an avalanche of similar statements, including one from DFL U.S. Rep. (and would-be Democratic National Committee chairman) Keith Ellison; as of Monday, 44 members of Congress said they wouldn't attend Trump's inauguration.
But you know who could? You.
That's right, if you've got $500, nothing to do on Friday, and a desire to touch the hem of Trump's garment -- or, more likely, be touched by someone else unexpectedly -- we've got a Craigslist ad you cannot refuse because your capacity to refuse a great deal is reduced to nil when -- c'mon, sweetheart --we're talking about "a star" here.
The post offering a "ticket to Trump inauguration" was published to the Minneapolis Craigslist page on Monday, and the (very blurry!) image included does indeed look like a pair of authentic passes to the all-day party in the name of re-greatening America.
Caveats, according to the ad:
- Must be a "proud American"
- Must hold hands with the ticket holder
- Must know words to Jackie Evancho songs, specifically, the "smash hits"
- Must be into fun party drugs, like Cialis
- Must chew tobacco
- Must have been a surprisingly big (but still secretive) fan of Brokeback Mountain
- Must love Trump, 'Murrica, and public displays of affection for both of them and whoever brought you to a big fancy event
Read the full ad below.
Some will doubt the ad's authenticity, but it's been online for almost 24 whole hours now, which in Trump's America makes this as good as a golden ticket.
I came upon some tickets for the upcoming Trump inauguration and I'm looking for another proud American to join me. This is history in the making, folks! I'm getting so darn excited just thinking about it!
For only $500 you can join me at the ball, where we will hold hands and sing along to all of Jackie Evancho's smash hits while whispering the words "patriot" and "freedom" in each others ears. I'll run my fingers through your hair as Lee Greenwood serenades us with his anthems of freedom and prosperity. Then, Toby Keith will take the stage. At this point, my cialis will have kicked in and I will be "great again" and looking to get a little frisky. My hands will wander up and down your body, tugging on your beard and undoing the snaps on your wrangler shirt. As my hands approach your waist, I feel the "Concealed Weapon Permit" badge on your belt. I know, because I bought the same one on eBay. This makes me feel even more "great." In the distance, Toby Keith is playing his smash hit " I love this bar," but all I can focus on is the smell of Copenhagen on your breath as you tell me about how "the White race is being bred out of existence." I'm lost in your eyes, which are so full of hate and intolerance that they seem to glow red. I'm standing at full attention. All I can think about is how badly I want you to make ME great again.
$500 obo. No trades.
- Donald Trump's victory horrifies liberal Minnesota Twitter
- Hillary Clinton's emails vs. the many sins of Donald Trump
- I voted for Donald Trump. We should have a beer.
- Kanye West would have voted for 'absolutely genius' Donald Trump
- 7 Minnesota Muslims for Donald Trump's registry
- A running list of acts who refuse to perform at Trump's inauguration
- Trump-loving lady from Minnesota makes the American flag shawl the accessory of the summer
- Ah shit, Donald Trump's coming to Minneapolis
More from News
Around The Web