President-elect Donald J. Trump and Senate Republicans are proud of his cabinet choices.
So proud they’re currently shoving them into office, no questions asked. It’s the sort of shameful confirmation process usually reserved for Catholic parents whose child only believes in one miracle, and it’s streaming online porn.
Just in case one of Trump’s picks gets tripped up by a gotcha question like, “Do you have any conflicts of interest?” or “Do you have any interest?”, we’re offering a list of surefire backups to make sure the cabinet’s fully stocked with delicious nuts.
Secretary of State: Rex Tillerson
Backup: A Russian nesting doll
Tillerson’s a guy who seems to have it all, as long as “it all” doesn’t mean a single moment in service to American people who aren’t stockholders or on the board of ExxonMobil. The name, the alpha male mug, and a vastly more dignified reaction to a receding hairline than his would-be boss — Tillerson’s straight out of central casting. His priorities are straight out of central Moscow. Rex’s connections to Vladimir Putin and Russian oil and gas interests are such that in 2012 he was awarded the “Order of Friendship,” a prestigious honor that recognizes the non-Russian who is judged to fit most conveniently in Putin’s pocket. The Russian nesting doll is a nice-seeming gift that grows smaller and smaller upon examination, and at least comes with a clear label that says “Made in Russia.”
Secretary of Energy: Rick Perry
Backup: Rex Tillerson
Prior to his appointment, Rick Perry’s predecessor Steven Chu did atomic physics research using lasers. Perry’s work with lasers includes a tendency to make finger guns and go “Pyew-pyew-pyew!” when Star Wars is on. Better yet, the agency Perry’s about to run is one he wants to abolish; he said as much while running for president in 2011, or tried to, but infamously forgot what it was called during a debate. (Perry will be the only official to take meetings with his desk nameplate facing in.) Tillerson could get it over with and rename the entire agency Exxon Mobil North.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Ben Carson
What Carson (neurosurgeon, and the inventor of the verbal lobotomy) knows about housing is that you should have at least one really big one, and decorate it with a painting of you hanging out with Jesus Christ. His qualifications for this gig are how uh, “urban” he is, and his childhood in Detroit. Trump should’ve picked Eminem, who also grew up poor in the Motor City and, unlike Carson, might still know some black people who live in housing developments.
Labor Secretary: Andrew Puzder
Backup: Amazon Echo
Puzder, who runs the company behind Hardee’s and Carl’s Jr., thinks the minimum wage should be so low his own employees wouldn’t pick it up if they saw it on the ground. He’d prefer not to pay anyone anything: Puzder’s a big fan of automation, saying robots “never take a vacation” or file a “race discrimination” lawsuit. (Well, not until they start reading the shit Andrew Puzder’s been saying about them, they don’t.) Give Puzder a taste of his own medicine and replace him with Amazon Echo, the smart little robot that would, at $180, save the administration a ton of money, and be far more efficient at ordering toilet paper.
Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency: Scott Pruit
Backup: H1 Hummer
Pruitt, who prepared for this science-heavy gig by serving as the climate science-denying Attorney General of Oklahoma, is a big “fuck you” to the “Environment” and “Protection” parts of this department. He’s basically the human embodiment of the H1 Hummer. The H1 does send the message that you’re at war — with common sense, the Earth, and your own feelings of inadequacy.
Small Business Adminstrator: Linda McMahon
Backup: Rich Uncle Pennybags
As always, it sounds like someone defined the verb “trolling” and Trump said, “That’s funny! Let’s do that.” Linda McMahon’s business background is being married to wrestling mogul (and Trump friend) Vince McMahon, whose three-step business strategy is to 1) Buy out your competitors 2) Employ your whole family and 3) Hit the gym. The smallest businesses McMahon has run were her two failed U.S. Senate campaigns, which ate up $100 million worth of wrasslin’ profits. She could be replaced by Rich Uncle Pennybags, the top-hatted chap from the Monopoly board game. “Get out of Jail Free” cards will be handy in Trump’s America, and the “Community Chest” (which collects fines, and pays out whoever lands on it) is the closest we’ll come to a fair redistribution of wealth.
Attorney General: Jeff Sessions
Backup: Wile E. Coyote
With a name straight outta the Civil War, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, of Alabama, has some pretty outdated thinking on black people, marijuana, and civil liberties. Maybe most at risk from a Sessions-run Justice Department are undocumented immigrants, whom Sessions and Trump would like to see corralled and deported by the million. Wile E. Coyote also relied upon elaborate, devious, and ill-conceived mechanisms to give chase through the desert. At least Wile E. had the convenient scapegoat of the Acme Corporation when he failed to catch the Road Runner. Who will Sessions blame when he looks down and realizes he’s run right off the cliff?
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