Don’t believe what you hear.
President-elect Donald Trump’s transition is harmonious. No, symphonic. Everyone’s on the same page.
That page is in the hands of Kris Kobach, the Kansas secretary of state who was photographed standing next to Trump this week, holding his top-secret plans for the Department of Homeland Security. (Pssst, Kris: Hold top-secret plans with the secrets facing in, not out.)
At the top of his list was a “National Security Entry-Exit Registration System.”
Because Kobach managed not to drop all of his secret papers on the ground, we don’t know if the rest of his dossier contained the names of the Muslims currently putting paranoid Americans’ feelings at risk. We offer this list of Minnesota Muslims as a head start on... well, whatever it is you guys plan to do with the Muslims.
forward, Minnesota Timberwolves
Where to find him: Target Center. On the Wolves’ bench.
Motive for mayhem: Reduced playing time under new coach Tom Thibodeau, as swingman Andrew Wiggins has emerged as a workhorse. Do not give him sympathy just because a Canadian took his job.
Weaknesses: Half-court defense; sore right knee; at six-foot-six, stands out in a crowd, unless he’s at work.
contestant, Miss Minnesota USA
Evidence of radicalism: This one’s personal, Mr. President. Born in Somalia, this refugee now lives in the St. Cloud area, and wants to be the first Somali-American to win the pageant you used to own. Aden, 19, confirmed with organizers she would wear a burqini during the swimsuit competition. This will ruin the experience of any pageant owner who likes to sneak into the dressing room to creep on contestants.
Scary quote: “The media portrays Muslim women as oppressed and in a very negative light. But you never see the beauty and the good things that come from Muslim women.”
owner, Afro Deli restaurants
Biography: Kahin is a successful Twin Cities entrepreneur born in Djibouti. (Check to confirm this is a country. Get Mitt Romney to Google it.) This year he was U.S. Sen. Al Franken’s guest at the State of the Union. Was Kahin just traveling to the U.S. Capitol to case the place? People are asking the question. I asked it just now.
Motive: Recently forced by his landlord to abandon one location on the University of Minnesota campus, forcing Kahin to open up shop on the other side of the river next year. Ever heard of someone becoming disenfranchised after they were forced out of the West Bank? Case closed.
U.S. Olympic distance runner
Foreign associations: Mead is loyal to international institutions of the very kind you’re looking to cut ties with, Mr. President. Just this summer, the 27-year-old from Minneapolis stumbled on the last lap of the 5,000 meter men’s semifinal race. In Trump’s America, we call that losing. But the corrupt International Olympic Committee (IOC) put Mead through to the final, where he finished 11th.
Strengths: Can’t be caught on foot by Kris Kobach’s agents — unless he hires the guys who finished in the top 10. Has a lot of local allies from Minneapolis South High School and the University of Minnesota, At six-two, 145 pounds, Mead is thin, flexible, and could easily hide in a confined space during a routine house sweep.
Ilhan Omar, Representative-elect in the Minnesota House
Where to find her: The Minnesota State Capitol, voting ‘No’ against the Republican majority.
Scary quote: About the “shit show” of rumors about her marital status, Omar said: “What I’m surprised about are... the particular things that are appropriate to insinuate without any legitimacy or facts.” This is a direct threat to free speech. If we can no longer insinuate things without facts, what will become of Breitbart.com?
Scarier quote: “I consider myself to be a fighter...”
OK fine, the rest of that quote: “...who’s pretty optimistic about the possibilities of the world, and someone who thinks we all have shared values regardless of our background, our faith.”
Brother Ali, rapper on Rhymesayers label
Biography: A white albino born in Wisconsin, Ali converted to Islam at age 15. He now tours the country, encouraging young Americans to think critically and dance.
Scary song titles: “Uncle Sam Goddamn,” “Freedom Ain’t Free,” “Letter from the Government,” “Mourning in America.”
Less-scary song titles: “Babygirl,” “Work Everyday,” “You Say (Puppylove).”
Greatest threat: Ali is confusing for the dudes of the alt-right, who want to claim him as a good white rapper but are turned off by his politics.
Keith Ellison, U.S. Congressman
Where to find him: U.S. Capitol.
Clear attempts to disguise self as a Minnesota dad: Wears giant flannel sweater when it’s cold out; knows how to play “Purple Rain” on the guitar; annual participant in Al Franken’s congressional hotdish cook-off.
Domestic associations: Proud acolyte of Bernie Sanders, who has said mean stuff about the president-elect.
Prediction powers: Ellison was laughed at when he said to “be ready for the fact” that Trump “might be leading the Republican ticket.” Claimed his view was informed by the surprise election of Jesse Ventura. Also possible: spies in the Republican Party; Ellison might be some kind of mystic.
Most immediate threat to America: Running to be the next head of the Democratic National Committee, where his job would be organizing against Republicans and the president’s knife- and mallet-filled cabinet.
Greatest threat: Might turn out to be good at that.
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