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The 12 worst ways my horrible children have insulted me

Butt Cheek Beak, aka Poopy Butt Penis Hair, and his loving children.

Butt Cheek Beak, aka Poopy Butt Penis Hair, and his loving children. Photo provided by the beleaguered father

For the past several years my three children—Penelope (7), Cam (5), and Lou (5)—have verbally shamed and tortured me with unrelenting malice.

I personally believe this proves a theory I once saw explained on 60 Minutes: All children are born evil and it is up to us as a society to teach them morals and loving kindness. As their father, I have clearly failed them in these regards.

Below you will find a list of the Top 12 worst insults they have leveled at me in their short time on this planet. Very open to suggestions here for how to survive this, folks. Please pray for our family. Or at least for me.

Butt Cheek Beak

Poopy Butt Penis Hair

A janitor’s closet

A ham sandwich

A pig's butt

You don't know anything, Dad, because you never went to college.

Daddy smells like old cantaloupe.

Daddy is an egg roll.

Daddy lives in garbage.

Daddy’s eyes look like butts.

Daddy, you are definitely gonna die very soon. You’re already very old.

A bean sack with a poop in my butt

Lazerbeak is a Minneapolis-based musician, artist manager, label CEO, and dad. His latest solo album is Luther.