Don’t you hate the fact that all music is for girls and losers?
Where is the epic music? Where is the male music?
Fortunately, your president has found a collection of songs that’d be epic and male enough to satisfy an anthropomorphic AK-47 that had six testicles and chronic priapism. As some Shazam-happy Twitter sherlocks discovered, last night's featurette of Trump coptering back to the White House was soundtracked by an instrumental snippet from a song called “Believe,” which can be found on a compilation called … Epic Male Songs.
Epic. Male. Songs.
Two of those words are so cool it doesn’t even matter how lame the third is.
If you’re an epic male, I’m probably not telling you anything you don’t know. I’m sure you listen to tracks like “Resolute” and “Walk The Earth” every day as you bench press Humvees and wrestle Sasquatches and tweet death threats at women who ignore you.
An effete beta like myself, however, couldn’t help but approach such a trove of manliness with trepidation. Could I harness the epic male power therein or would it give me a wedgie and shove me in my locker?
Turns out, Epic Male Songs is pretty tame stuff. The album begins with “We Are Warriors,” which promises “steady, pounding drum rhythms backing up orchestral arrangements and a confident male vocal” and includes the lyrics “We are warriors, and we've come so far.” (Well, who wouldn’t come far after all that steady pounding?) It sounds like if you tried really, really hard to imagine dragons but couldn’t visualize anything fiercer than iguanas, with touches of mallrat dubstep for White AWOLNATIONalists.
But... that's just me. Maybe my low testosterone levels keep me from appreciating this music. Maybe YOU are epic and male enough to absorb its power... and to take this poll.
Listen here and then tell us: Which of these tracks pumps you back to life like aural prednisone? Which makes you feel like the hero of your very own Michael Bay adaptation of Triumph of the Will? Which, in short, leaves you breathless?