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Lizzo claps back at crazed flute truthers

Lizzo: Her haters blow.

Lizzo: Her haters blow. Twitter

Lizzo plays the flute. I know that. You know that. Everyone knows that—except @CheeseFoMe.

That lactose-tolerant Twitter user led a bizarre charge against the Minnesotan-enough rapper/singer/flautist after she posted this video to social media about a month ago.

About a month back, Lizzo tweeted this video.

The correct response is, of course, "No, I have never seen that." If you're the more effusive sort of social media user, there might be shocked gifs or hyperbolic comparisons to royalty.

But you know what they say: Conspiracy theorists gonna conspiracy theorize. Enter our nemesis.

Lizzo's faithful battled back against the dairy-based skeptic, who received quiet, cowardly support from other anti-Lizzo operatives via likes. 

Anyway, time passed, as they say in novels. Michigan governor-elect Gretchen Whitmer proudly announced that she is a Lizzo fan. (Were we conspiracy theorists ourselves, we'd say that's a nefarious plot by a state-that-is-not-Minnesota to accentuate Lizzo's Detroit roots and undermine our claim to her.) But we are not conspiracy theorists (except when it comes to claims that Louis Tomlinson has a fake baby, because, come on, that's obviously just the truth) and anyway we're proud of Greta Van Fleet's home state for electing a halfway decent governor and approving an anti-gerrymandering measure.

But rumors that Lizzo was faking the flute refused to die, so she took matters—and her flute—into her own hands.

Tina Fey (!) even chimed in to heap praise on the twerkin' flute player:

Twitter is, of course, a fetid breeding ground of noxious lies. And really, on a scale of 1 to 10 rating damage to the Republic, with Pizzagate a 10 and That's Bieber Eating a Burrito Sideways a 1, Lizzoflutegate is maybe a 3. Lizzo's flautist past is so well-documented that surely truth will prevail. Is it wrong to even feel a little grateful to @CheeseFoMe for giving Lizzo an opportunity to put him (gotta be a dude, right?) in his place?

Maybe jet fuel can’t melt steel beams. But Lizzo damn sure can.