Lizzo plays the flute. I know that. You know that. Everyone knows that—except @CheeseFoMe.
That lactose-tolerant Twitter user led a bizarre charge against the Minnesotan-enough rapper/singer/flautist after she posted this video to social media about a month ago.
About a month back, Lizzo tweeted this video.
HAVE U EVER SEEN A BITCH PLAY FLUTE THEN HIT THE SHOOT? pic.twitter.com/aVy3E6kIVF— |L I Z Z O| (@lizzo) October 20, 2018
The correct response is, of course, "No, I have never seen that." If you're the more effusive sort of social media user, there might be shocked gifs or hyperbolic comparisons to royalty.
But you know what they say: Conspiracy theorists gonna conspiracy theorize. Enter our nemesis.
You can hear when she moves it away from her face the flute continues to play for about a second. Not rocket science and it isn't unusual for artists to do this in fact it's a common practice.— CheeseFoMe (@CheeseFoMe) October 20, 2018
Lizzo's faithful battled back against the dairy-based skeptic, who received quiet, cowardly support from other anti-Lizzo operatives via likes.
Anyway, time passed, as they say in novels. Michigan governor-elect Gretchen Whitmer proudly announced that she is a Lizzo fan. (Were we conspiracy theorists ourselves, we'd say that's a nefarious plot by a state-that-is-not-Minnesota to accentuate Lizzo's Detroit roots and undermine our claim to her.) But we are not conspiracy theorists (except when it comes to claims that Louis Tomlinson has a fake baby, because, come on, that's obviously just the truth) and anyway we're proud of Greta Van Fleet's home state for electing a halfway decent governor and approving an anti-gerrymandering measure.
But rumors that Lizzo was faking the flute refused to die, so she took matters—and her flute—into her own hands.
PSA for the weirdos that think I have the TIME to fabricate a flute back-story, RENT a flute to tour with and PRETEND to play. �� Bitch, I’m a full time artist. I been on this flute shit, read my old interviews ho! Enjoy this F natural���� pic.twitter.com/LUiCWDm0aR— |L I Z Z O| (@lizzo) November 12, 2018
Tina Fey (!) even chimed in to heap praise on the twerkin' flute player:
THIS JUST HAPPENED— |L I Z Z O| (@lizzo) November 12, 2018
IM SLEPT ON
BUT THE PEOPLE WHO KNOW WHO I AM ARE BLESSED
BLESSED TO DO THIS!
GIVE TINA FEY THE ANSWERS SHE DESERVES pic.twitter.com/dfPV0faTsK
Twitter is, of course, a fetid breeding ground of noxious lies. And really, on a scale of 1 to 10 rating damage to the Republic, with Pizzagate a 10 and That's Bieber Eating a Burrito Sideways a 1, Lizzoflutegate is maybe a 3. Lizzo's flautist past is so well-documented that surely truth will prevail. Is it wrong to even feel a little grateful to @CheeseFoMe for giving Lizzo an opportunity to put him (gotta be a dude, right?) in his place?
Maybe jet fuel can’t melt steel beams. But Lizzo damn sure can.