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BEST HEAD SHOP Know-Name Records
Head shops don't want to be called head shops anymore. "Smoke shop" is the term currently preferred--at least according to the fellow working the counter at the venerable south Minneapolis head shop Know-Name Records. A warning sign posted near the dizzying array of paraphernalia says it all: "These items are intended for herbal smoking mixtures, tobacco or snuff. Any reference to illegal usage will result in refusal of service." The obvious hypocrisy aside, we can't say enough nice things about Know-Name's vast selection, which features apparatus to suit any stoner's taste and budget. There are bongs in every imaginable style, from a super-serious four-foot-long Graffix ($126) to novelty pieces like the ceramic toilet bowl ($26) and evil clown ($54). Know-Name also offers scores of custom-blown glass pipes, along with hookahs, one-hit kits, and brass pipes. Know-Name does sell music--CDs and a modest collection of vinyl--as well as the other usual head-shop accessories and necessities: lava lamps ($299 for the jumbo model) and black-light posters. Now in its 23rd year of operation, Know-Name opened a second store in Dinkytown--at 805 Fourth St. SE; (612) 627-9680--five years ago, but the Portland Avenue shop offers the more extensive product line, for those yearning for a novel way to try out some, um, new herbal smoking mixture.
BEST PAWNSHOP American Pawn Shop
Apparently no one at American Pawn has heard that the trend in pawnshops is to turn up the lights, fill the floor with tidy shelves, and pipe in Muzak just like at the mall. Still, this downtown St. Paul establishment has a more eclectic selection of merchandise than any of those 1,000-watt joints with the neon signs. In addition to stereo components, TV sets, and interesting jewelry--standard at just about any pawn operation--there are computers, an entire wall of power tools, musical instruments, and not one single copy of the home-video version of The Little Mermaid. On one visit we even scored some scuba gear and a rototiller.
BEST PLACE TO BUY VINYL The Fifth Element
Go to Cheapo for pan-genre rack combing, or Oar Folkjokeopus for the best weekly used new-wave finds, or the Root Cellar for a vast selection of oddities and rarities (love the magazine collection in the cellar). But for the new Funkmaster Flex double record, or DMX's "What's My Name" 12-inch, or the entire Rusty Pelicans catalog, head straight to Uptown's Fifth Element hip-hop record store. As Hymie's Vintage Records was to jazz (before Hymie passed away) and Let It Be Records (or Bassment Records) is to dance music, the Fifth Element is to hip hop--i.e., it stores more music than you could possibly listen to, much less want, lovingly stocked way past the knowledge level of even the most avid record consumer. Want to buy every Common album on vinyl (when you can't find even his last one on CD)? Come here. Want to own every Wu-Tang single in print, and maybe one that's not? Come here. While you're at it, pick up Ego Trip's Book of Rap Lists, thumb through the pages, and randomly pick some rare underground record by some friend's cousin's act you've never heard of. Then go through the stacks and see if you don't find it. (If it's not there, see if you can't order it. Or at least pick up Ego Trip's The Big Playback: The Soundtrack to Ego Trip's Book of Rap Lists.) Behind the counter, as at other good shops for hip hop around town (Classic Records, Urban Lights, the Electric Fetus), you'll find experts whose enthusiasm trumps your own because they live, breathe, and sleep (as the cliché goes) the music you just bump to. The difference is that they also love vinyl. The high-ceilinged store--with its graffiti-decorated walls, glass storefront, and DJ system at the back--is run collectively by various artists on the seminal local record label Rhyme Sayers Entertainment. All of the employees are DJs of one sort or another. Some might chide the store for selling the culture of urban blacks and Latinos straight outta Kenwood, but the shop is routinely filled with fans of all shades from as far as St. Paul's West Side or the outer suburbs. It's conveniently located on several major bus lines, and, by carrying so much vinyl, it effectively encourages casual fans to become DJs themselves. With a gang of fanzines, local mix tapes, and other nonmoneymakers filling the shelves, Fifth Element spreads and nourishes the culture it capitalizes on.
BEST CD STORE (NEW) The Electric Fetus
The reputation of this local retail landmark (and multiple Best-of winner) precedes it. Yes, staffers at the Fetus still know everything--or, at the very least, a hell of a lot more than you know--about records. (And if they don't, they'll fess up.) Yes, the shop still stocks a blindingly eclectic and infinitely tasteful selection of CDs, vinyl, cassettes, and videos. Yes, its low-pressure vibe and listening stations place it among the city's top three storefronts for a three-hour browse in the dead of winter (excepting the pre-Christmas rush, which can find the place packed more tightly than a Lifter Puller show at the Foxfire). What we really want to know is: Who waters all the goddamn plants?
Readers' Choice: Electric Fetus
BEST CD STORE (USED) Cheapo Discs
This, the newest jewel in the Cheapo crown, gets the nod over the other branches by virtue of its varied catalog. Which, of course, comes courtesy of its proximity to an enormous college campus. Oh, to be young again, to have the energy for romance, hard partying, and cutting class to buy CDs with someone else's money! God only knows why someone would fall out of love with the collected works of Loverboy, Boredoms, or Clint Black--but there they all are. The store also carries a fair amount of new releases (look at them as potential used CDs), creatively pimped in the large front window: Potted palms match the foliage on an Indigo Girls poster, while swatches of black velvet, faded silk roses, and electric candles decorate strategically placed Cure flats. Of course, you didn't come to Cheapo for the décor...
Readers' Choice: Cheapo Discs
BEST CD STORE (CLASSICAL) Cheapo Discs
As more and more music buyers are turning to the Internet to save money or track down obscure titles, it seems that the selection in most retail outlets is getting thinner, especially when it comes to genres outside the Top 40. You might not that think that a store in Uptown--the Twin Cities' nexus of alternative-leaning rock--would be a natural place to seek classical discs, but take a peek at Cheapo. The classical (and jazz) CDs here are now separated from the main store by some glass partitions, for quieter browsing through the bins. Cheapo offers a wide selection of discs that goes well beyond the basic Beethoven, Bach, and Brahms. Plus, there's a host of budget-priced ($5.99) classical discs. Bravo!
BEST BOOKSTORE (NEW) Ruminator Books
Gawd, how we hate that name. But as any Gertrude Stein aficionado knows, a rose is a rose is a rose. So forgive proprietor David Unowsky the shameless commercial move of selling the moniker Hungry Mind into the bondage of e-commerce, and be grateful this place continues to exist. As we all know, if the Borders/Barnes & Noble/Amazon.com triumvirate had its way, the independent bookstore would be a relic of the past. But thanks to Ruminator's long-standing and well-deserved reputation (and, perhaps, to the proximity of Macalester College and its tome-dependent droves), we're still blessed with the opportunity to while away the hours amid these glorious tall shelves. Readers' Choice: Barnes & Noble
BEST BOOKSTORE (USED) Magers & Quinn Booksellers
A used bookstore's charm is directly correlative to the amount of time you can dissipate in finding the book you've entered with the intent of purchasing. We've whittled away more hours than we care to calculate among the stacks of this perennial Twin Cities favorite. Still, we've noticed that we almost always emerge carrying whatever it was we were looking for in the first place--a testament to both the store's tranquil atmosphere and its imposing selection. Especially laudable are the expansive fiction and poetry sections, which, unlike those of far too many used bookstores, are organized for easy navigation. There is much of interest for the connoisseur of collectible hardbound tomes here, but the unbeatable prices at Magers & Quinn also ensure a worthwhile experience for those of us nonconspicuous consumers who only buy books in order to read them.
Readers' Choice: Half Price Books, Records, Magazines
BEST USED CLOTHING STORE (UPSCALE) Everyday People Clothing Exchange
White leather jacket? Check. Black granny dress? Got it. Polyester? No prob. It's true, vintage fashion never goes out of style, whether you're a cash-strapped coed, an art-school wannabe, or just someone who can't resist anything that looks like it came from Katharine Hepburn's closet. But just like the fashionista who can tell couture from prêt-à-porter from a mile away, seasoned vintage-clothing hunters also know that just because the clothes are old they're not necessarily worth the trouble of washing out the mothball smell and mending the cigarette burns--not to mention the cost and trouble of acquiring them. Thankfully, the folks at Everyday People are a picky lot. The store may be small, but rest assured that each square foot holds quality stuff. To be fair, not everything in stock is vintage: Some of it is actually last year's Gap or J. Crew staple. Nonetheless, you can satisfy your longing for the sepia-toned era while scoring a pair of broken-in Fluevogs as well. Now that's fabulous, sweetie--and efficient, too!
BEST USED CLOTHING STORE (DOWNSCALE) Value Village
There must be an acre of pants at this Richfield store operated by the Association for Retarded Citizens. And while there aren't too many chichi labels scattered among the dozens of men's, women's, and children's racks here, there are bound to be hundreds of choices in every size. Everything's clean and in decent shape, and priced to move: Jeans sell in the five-dollar range, trousers might be a dollar or two more, and plenty can be had for less. There's a large-size women's rack in the back, a reasonable selection of outerwear, and, while we're at it, a fairly funky assortment of vintage housewares.
BEST LINGERIE Frederick's of Hollywood
Real women (of all genders) buy and wear Jockey for Her French-cut briefs and JC Penney store-brand bras. Unfortunately, those garments don't provide the zip of that cancan-dancer-holding-a-slumber-party look that's elemental to our culture. In the Twin Cities, of course, clothes for mommies to play dress-up in only tend to show up in stores without battery-operated appliances around traditional holidays like Valentine's Day and Christmas. If your schedule's a little more spontaneous and you're allergic to latex, your best local bet is Frederick's of Hollywood, which for more than half a century has been supplying the day's version of leopard-print cat suits, water bras, and patent-leather bikinis. (Nowadays they don't leave the guys out, either: How do silk briefs stroke--er, strike you? Or boxers with chili peppers printed on--get it?). If you can't find your size in the store, try the catalog.
BEST EYEGLASSES SHOP Downtown Eyes
They'll never let you out of this nondescript downtown Minneapolis emporium wearing an ill-fitting or unbecoming pair of shades. The staff simply won't permit it. Located on Ninth Street since 1991 and owned by optometrist-in-residence Dr. Robert Toomey, Downtown Eyes carries all the hot brands but none of the attitude. Specs designed by Calvin Klein, Armani, DKNY, BCBG, and Lafont are priced to beat those snooty specialty shops. The lenses are ground in a lab located just a few blocks away, so even the most exotic prescription can be filled in a day or so. Best of all, everyone in the place is a trained troubleshooter, especially Dr. Toomey's gregarious wife Barb, the operation's heart and soul. If a customer has frames that are crooked or are pinching at the nose, Barb's there to make sure he doesn't leave without looking sharp and seeing straight.
Readers' Choice: Spectacle Shoppe
BEST SHOE STORE (WOMEN'S) Nordstrom
Something about the layout of this spacious, uncluttered expanse of pumps, boots, and sandals seems to guide your eye to that perfect pair. Once you've homed in, a salesperson veritably materializes at your side, attentive but not pushy. (You may even get the poetic kind: "What does this mean," we asked, "'relaxed fit' sneakers?" "It means," whispered our clerk, "they're going to make love to your feet.") Ample mirrors make it easy to check your footwear from all angles as you glide through wide aisles, testing the fit. The selection here is vast enough to match any mood or price range, from basic white Keds ($26) to splashy Fendi mules with yellow Mary Jane straps, extra-high, spindly metal heels, and a bright multicolor pattern in a silken needlepoint design ($535). And the best part? The return policy, described by one manager as "Whenever!" Translation: At Nordstrom you can bring those shoes back anytime, no matter how worn they may be, for any reason, even if it's because you just don't like them.
BEST SHOE STORE (MEN'S) Dayton's
A good men's shoe department is like a good used-car lot: all the latest models and a range of options (from something just to get a man around town to transportation with a bit more kick), in every conceivable color. Dayton's has the concept wired. The shoes spread out in every direction, as in a parking lot. The salesmen stand around looking uncomfortable in their suits, and they're willing to sell you stuff you never thought you needed. What are you waiting for, boys? Step right up and take something out for a test drive.
BEST SHOE REPAIR Fast Eddie's
Shoes fall apart. And when they do, we usually just throw them out. But what about those Birkenstocks you've had for years? Are you supposed to part ways now just because the soles have worn through to the cork? Not if Eddie has anything to say about it. While Eddie will fix any shoe--within a maximum of three working days, no less--he specializes in Birkenstocks. Such a righteous focus alone could qualify him for this honor, but when you take into account the friendly service (always with a smile!) and the quality of the work, not even Lee's on Lake Street (a close second) can hang. Thank you, Eddie, for helping us all sleep easier knowing that even if life isn't eternal for us mere mortals, at least our Birks might live forever.
BEST TAILOR Irina's Stitch in Time
One cannot understate the importance of having clothes that fit--not just off-the-rack fit, but the kind of fit that gently hugs each curve (ladies) or crisply broadens each shoulder (gentlemen) in the most flattering way. Thank goodness for this tiny Lyn-Lake shop. Proprietor Irina Boiarskaia is ready to put her skilled, tender hands to work on anything from the simple (shortening a new pair of slacks) to the complicated (altering the lining in that lacy bridesmaid's gown). Prices are reasonable (hemming a pair of pants ranges from $5 to $10; taking in a straight skirt with a lining and back slit would cost about $18), the work is done fast (if Irina's very busy, alterations might take a week), and the hours are accommodating (9:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. Monday to Friday, 9:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Saturday--and Irina will tell you she can stay later if necessary). Take a look around while you're there; you might be lucky enough to glimpse one of Irina's own creations behind the counter. See that stunning red ball gown trimmed with delicate flowers? This is a tailor who understands clothing.
BEST ELECTRONICS (AUDIOPHILE) Hi-Fi Sound Electronics Inc.
Having topped our high-end knob-twiddling category for six years straight, this longtime audiophile fave (est. 1951) continues to distinguish itself through its smart and friendly salespeople and its highly discerning manner of maintaining an upscale inventory. Brands of choice include Pass Labs, VTL, B&W, Lexicon, and Proton--none to be found at the corporate warehouses. If you come in seeking the best balance of price and performance (and who doesn't?), this classy playroom's paid perfectionists won't simply push their midrange product. They'll ask the size of your room, what kind of music you listen to, what components you're using, and which others you might add in the future. As manufacturing standards continue to deteriorate according to what's lightweight and easy to mass-produce (and -market), much of Hi-Fi's equipment actually consists of old technology refined for the new age. Which is to say that this is your grandfather's electronics store, and that's a good thing.
BEST ELECTRONICS (PROLETARIAN) Best Buy
The overripe neon interior of this warehouse warhorse bespeaks base consumerism at its most vulgar. Best Buy wants to corner the market on everything: not just TVs and VCRs and computers and phones and CDs and DVDs, but furniture, fridges, vacuum cleaners, and, um, books. All the better if you can duck in and out quickly, perhaps after scouring the Sunday Strib to find the store's best buys. Although a number of our favorite midrange toy manufacturers remain oddly MIA (e.g., Nakamichi, Mitsubishi, and Sony's XBR line of Wega monitors), Best Buy's stock is still plenty expansive enough to meet one's particular needs. For instance, $60 will get you either a ground-level VCR or a short pair of subwoofer cables. The wide range of prices and products also includes everything from a $150 DVD player with DTS sound to a Bose system with Dolby Digital and five speakers ($1,800). As the store's stiffest competition these days is from the Web, its trump card is in catering to the electronics obsessive who might suddenly require something very specific and a bit unusual: an eight- or ten-hour blank videotape, a strip of S-video Monster Cable, a car charger for a Qualcomm cell phone, or, perhaps, an NFL2K disc for the Sega Dreamcast. At the upper extreme, Best Buy also houses Sony's shockingly vivid FD Trinitron Wega HDTV set, which we strongly advise you not to look at unless you have the $6,499 required to take it home.
BEST LOCAL INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDER Bitstream Underground
Preserving and promoting local ties has always been a no-brainer for Bitstream. While ominous Internet entities like AOL and MSN devise multimillion-dollar marketing schemes to create a half-baked (and sometimes eerily Orwellian) sense of community, BU is content to be a good geek neighbor, attracting rather than recruiting users by growing at its own sane, remarkably patient rate. New offerings for this year include high-speed DSL service and a custom Web-based e-mail application aimed at nomadic clients who are thoroughly addicted to access--both at competitive rates. Self-described as "a virtual clubhouse for the Net-curious as well as the digital connoisseur," Bitstreamers remain about as friendly as an ISP can be in the Y2K, nowhere near as obsessed with profit margins as with their own record collections and/or creative impulses. We'd ask for 24-hour tech support, but we know these folks, like all of us, deserve a life offline, too.
BEST MUSIC STORE Torp's Music Center
Signs posted throughout the store remind the serious musician that he is pledged the "lowest possible price" and the "highest customer service." Since 1951 Torp's has gone to great lengths to uphold these promises. On our first, unsuspecting visit, the helpful salesman backs this up with an example. "See this receiver?" He points to a cardboard box on the counter. "It's broken. I just gave the guy who bought it a new one and I'm sending this one back to the manufacturer. At the store's expense." When musicians purchase gear from Torp's, they're establishing a long-term relationship with the store's employees; by knowing the repair history of all instruments sold, Torp's greatly simplifies service and upgrades. Harold, owner and "storehouse of information," continues to work the registers on Tuesday nights, emphasizing the value placed on developing lasting rapport with the clientele. Commitment to customer service goes so far as to offer professional musicians savings off list prices and a posted sheet where drummers can write down their favorite brands of sticks not currently carried ("We want to carry the sticks you use!!!"). A visit to Torp's is not all business, however: Our salesman not only pointed out the type of guitar used by Carlos Santana, he also gave us an inspired demonstration of in-stock keyboards.
BEST GARDEN CENTER Highland Nursery
Frilly coleus. Freaky lilies. Heavy-duty hoses. Tons of mulch, manure, and meals. Bamboo plant stakes. Papyrus. Sundials. Cedar trellises. Herbs (santolina, curry, basil, lavender, thyme) up the wazoo. Ferns. Purple waterproof gloves. Pond liners. Fountain pumps. Northern Lights azaleas. A weather-wizened vinehouse. Watering wands. Bulbs. Silver hummingbird feeders. Gold-twigged dogwoods. A surplus of seed packs. A plethora of pines. Clay pots, wood pots, steel pots, patinated pots, mossy pots, sphagnum-lined pots, peat pots, pitter pots, putter pots. A glorious gazebo. A dazzy display garden. Fruit trees. Veggie starters. Climate-defying clocks. Arctic-grade thermometers. Obelisks. Cacti. Rush. Mugo. Open year-round (except, as posted, during blizzards).
BEST HARDWARE STORE Settergren Hardware
These days hardware stores come in two shapes. On one side are the home-improvement superstores where you can buy pretty much anything you need, assuming you're able to find it. Every foray into one of these is an adventure in the retail wilderness; you might wander in on Tuesday looking for a set of screwdrivers and emerge--slightly dazed and much lighter in the wallet--on Sunday with a truckload of lumber and plans to build an addition to your house. On the opposite end of the spectrum is the neighborhood hardware store, which has pretty much everything you need, and, as an added bonus, has actual human employees who are always available to help you find it. Walk into Settergren's Hardware in southwest Minneapolis, and you'll know right off that you're in friendly territory: A sign on the door welcomes patrons to bring their dogs shopping with them. The smell, too, is comfortingly familiar: along with that ineffable hardware scent, the aroma of fresh popcorn wafts through the clean, well-lighted aisles. If you do lose your way, one of the store's helpful and amiable experts will quickly guide you to the eggshell-finish latex paint, the lag bolts, or that little doohickey that will stop the thingy in your toilet from running all night long.
BEST ARCHITECTURAL SALVAGE Guilded Salvage
Their business card reads "Architectural Elements and Other Cool Stuff," and that's just what you get--everything from claw-foot tubs and old lamps to antique music stands and candlesticks. They've got doors, and they've got doorknobs. Stained-glass windows. Furniture. Pianos, even. All in a low-key, unintimidating setting. The place has been open a little more than a year, reports co-owner Scott Rogers when we interrupt him singing along to piped-in bluegrass as he works the register. "Tell a friend," Rogers says as we leave. So we are. Now go there.
BEST USED FURNITURE (CHEAPER THAN DIRT) Salvation Army
Those of us who are constitutionally incapable of squandering $1,500 on a couch or dinette set ought to be grateful for the boom economy. Why? Because it wouldn't be so bloody easy to furnish a pad on the cheap if not for all the big spenders and germ phobics casting aside perfectly functional pieces. As it stands, the metro area is brimming with thrift stores that offer both excellent selections and attractive deals. For our (paltry) money, nothing beats the Salvation Army's flagship operation in Minneapolis's Warehouse District. With two enormous showroom floors, the Army is a miser's paradise. Last time we checked, there were more than a hundred couches and love seats strewn about, most priced in the $50-to-$100 range. We were tempted by the lime-green sofa with the pheasant print ($75), but that's just us--there's something for everyone here, especially if you're looking to re-create that potent mid-Seventies porn-set feel. There are scores of easy chairs, some for as little as five bucks, as well as a wide selection of desks, office chairs, and mattresses and box springs, all modestly priced. Sure, you can get lucky and find comparable stuff cruising alleys. But at the Salvation Army at least you have the solace of knowing that a passing Fido didn't just whiz on your new couch.
BEST USED FURNITURE (VINTAGE) Theatre Antiques
Five years ago, when an Uptown institution called Cobblestone Antiques lost its lease, Richard Hickenbotham and five other dealers who'd had booths there set about looking for a new space. In short order they settled on a long-vacant movie theater near the corner of Lake Street and Lyndale Avenue. It proved to be a wise move. Cobblestone, once widely regarded as the city's premier antique shop, folded shortly after moving to a new location. Theatre Antiques, on the other hand, has prospered, attracting a mixed clientele of neighborhood hipsters and affluent collectors hunting for the perfect appointments. A quick walk through the showroom and it's not hard to see why they come here. The furniture selection is impeccable. You won't find that overstuffed recliner grandma couldn't give away at the garage sale here. For the most part, the furniture stock is retro, with an emphasis on art deco and modern. If you're looking for, say, a curved leather-topped coffee table with brass legs (not a bad deal at $175) or a sturdy oak sideboard (sweet, but steep at $945), Theatre Antiques satisfies. But don't expect to find any outrageous bargains. These guys are pros and they know what stuff is worth. In addition to the furniture, the jam-packed shop offers a wide range of other curiosities: vintage magazines, old eyeglasses, clocks, radios, lamps--and even a framed black-velvet Elvis wall hanging. At $135, that last item wasn't cheap. But hey, vintage Fat Elvis stuff is tough to come by these days.
BEST THRIFT STORE JT's Quality Used Clothes
Like a college athlete who signs with an agent while still in school, a thrift store that harbors an automatic teller on its premises loses its eligibility; sure, it may still be a great player, but the presence of said electronic money changer signals an irredeemable loss of secondhand innocence that screams, "We kick it like the big boys." What's next, a food court tucked between the used furniture and the vintage ties? Please. So with a knowing nod to last year's winner, Unique Thrift Store in Columbia Heights (hey, we still love ya!), we direct this year's thrift attention to a more unassuming place of used-repute. In a basement-level storefront below the Coffee Grounds café lies a thrift shopper's labyrinthine paradise. Looking for a pair of white cowboy boots in mint condition? A Tide racing-team jacket for the NASCAR enthusiast in your clan? How about a navy-and-gold U.S. Naval Academy robe? Prices are reasonable, the selection is large--and, more crucial, it changes frequently. Chances are you'll be greeted by J.T. himself, a hearty, black-bearded man with a mischievous smile and a gregarious manner that makes you feel right at home in his funky, subterranean lair. Open Tuesday through Friday from 2:00 to 7:00 p.m., Saturday from 9:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. But remember: If you plan to pay cash, bring it with you.
BEST FLEA MARKET Medina Entertainment Center
Beginning the first Sunday in May, the Medina's parking lot is jammed with treasure hunters, junk dealers, and regular folks who just like to rifle through other people's stuff. There's a little bit of everything here: antique furniture, vintage bicycles, handmade birdhouses, all kinds of toys, kitchenware, books and records, tools, musical instruments (it's not too difficult to coax a polka out of one of the accordion vendors). Many prices are negotiable, so don't be timid about endeavoring to bargain. With the money you save, you can head inside the main building and have breakfast at the restaurant there. The flea market is held most Sundays through mid-October; best to arrive early--say, 7:00 a.m.--because most vendors are packing up by noon.
BEST PLACE TO EDUCATE YOUR DOG Twin Cities Obedience Training Club
Lesson 1: On planet Earth, more than 5 million dogs are euthanized every year. Visit your local shelter and you'll know in an instant why. Lesson 2: The dogs that tend to get abandoned and then put to death meet their fate not because they're bad animals but because they don't fit well enough into the human world. They bark too much for urban ears. They tinkle too often on fancy carpets. They sniff inappropriate butts, chew up pillows, perfume themselves with long-rotten squirrels, scarf down the holiday turkey, fart in cars. Lesson 3: Some of this behavior is just plain pooch, and patient people learn to live with it, and love it. But truth be told, lots of it--the really bratty acts--happens because their humans haven't been well trained. For many years Twin Cities Obedience Training Club has been remedying this situation as best it can, in the soundproof basement of a northeast Minneapolis warehouse that could pass for hound heaven if an unruly dog died and went to it. That's because dogs, from the moment they squirt from the womb, want to (need to) be part of a pack, to realize their rank, and to know how to behave in a mannerly way in mixed company. If you, the human, don't act like the master in charge, your dog will, by instinct. Trainers here teach everything from puppy socialization (lots of slobbering, belly rubs, goo-goo talk) to beginners' training (basic commands, leash etiquette, pack-leader tips), to show preparation (synchronized maneuvers, origami). There's even a weekly class called the Little Red Schoolhouse, for dogs who are especially, well, challenged (chronic aggression toward others, extreme fear, Oedipal complexes). The nonprofit TCOTC's mainly volunteer staff accomplishes all this using pleasurable reinforcement, with food or hand clickers and nonchoking collars or gentle leaders on the muzzle. Sessions are affordable--$6 to $10--and students are always invited to sign up for fly-ball tournaments, holiday parties (guess who dresses up?), potlucks (buffets for both species!), show trials, and other events for the socially sophisticated set.
BEST KENNEL Silver Dog Bed & Biscuit
At $23.95 a day (meals included) it's not cheap, but then, like Silver Dog says, "If your pets are your kids, we're the place to go." With a staff of almost 30 overseeing 140 beds, each dog is guaranteed plenty of individual attention. Small pooches stay in carpeted penthouses, while a St. Bernard merits its own suite. Nearly all the kennels have either a radio or TV so Rex won't lose track of his favorite soaps. (They take cats, too; $18 a day.) The place has an affable, homey feel that would almost make you comfortable leaving your real kids here (don't you wish!). And don't let the address mislead you; the place is a mere ten minutes from the airport.
BEST KITCHEN SUPPLY STORE Target
Of course we all wish we could afford to collect our cookware at Cooks of Crocus Hill in St. Paul or Kitchen Window in Uptown's Calhoun Square--and they're both fine establishments--but for wannabe chefs on a budget, Target is almost as great a shopping experience. No, you're not going to find Le Creuset pots or $800 espresso makers. What you will find is a grand assortment of solid, stylish products--including some uncommon goods found in only the most well-stocked kitchens--and when you leave you'll still be able to afford the food and drink to go with them. In addition to sturdy, lower-tier lines of brands like Calphalon, J.A. Henckels, and Oneida, you can choose from plenty of stuff that's exactly what you'd find priced much higher at a department store, from Bodum coffee presses to Pyrex baking dishes to Kitchen Aid mixers. Besides nearly every kind of kitchen gadget, there's a decent selection of glassware and dishes, including lovely ceramic bowls and platters that your friends will covet. The best part? With everyday hours from 8:00 a.m. to 10:00 p.m., you can always come here when you realize, at a crucial moment, that you lost your melon baller.
BEST COOKING CLASSES Culinary Arts by Kitchen Window
The salespeople at Kitchen Window were so excited last winter when this cooking school opened one floor up from the retail store that they would occasionally give customers impromptu tours of the facility. The airy, state-of-the-art 1,200-square-foot classroom is stunning indeed, decorated in blond woods and neoindustrial stainless steel, with a 32-foot island that seats 20 people, and a sound system and video monitors for clear viewing of the work areas. Classes range from demonstration-only to participation to multiweek workshops taught by renowned chefs and cookbook authors. Subjects include fundamentals (preparing pastas or cooking fish), international flavors (French, Mediterranean, Indian, sushi), bread baking, cake decorating, and pressure cooking. A few classes cost $20; most range from $40 to $60, with multiweek series running $200-plus. Go ahead, call 'em and let them coax out your inner Julia Child.
BEST PLACE TO GET A SHIATSU MASSAGE Minnesota Center for Shiatsu Study
We very nearly kept this one to ourselves. A form of Japanese bodywork that incorporates principles of Chinese medicine, shiatsu is applied through the clothes using the fingers and palms. While similar to a regular massage, shiatsu tends to rely on pressure points, like acupuncture. Shiatsu practitioners believe that besides providing relaxation, the massage can treat a wide range of ailments, from depression to indigestion. The Minnesota Center for Shiatsu, now in its 14th year, is the perfect place to see if shiatsu is for you. A one-hour massage administered by a student goes for a mere $25. Though that means you're being worked on by someone who's technically still a novice, rest assured that those hands have completed at least half of the required 560 hours of course work. Enjoy a cup of hot tea in the center's cozy confines before your appointment (which you should expect to make at least a week in advance). MCSS also offers shiatsu massages by working pros, but you don't get that killer student rate.
BEST MANICURE 72 Degrees
A good manicure is a quick, delightfully simple way to get a little pampering--and who doesn't deserve that? To achieve it, you want to go someplace where you'll feel...well, pampered. And this is the place. The nail room, off to one side of this lovely full-service salon, is a quiet little alcove. Even though it looks out directly onto busy Hennepin Avenue, it's painted in soothing neutral tones and outfitted with a comfy chair, plush pillows, and rejuvenatingly lush green plants--it's like having your nails done in a little oasis! With her vivid red hair and bubblingly gregarious personality, Tammy Boots will make you feel instantly at ease while she's doing your nails. No matter whether you have ragged cuticles or--heaven forbid--a nasty nail-biting habit, there will be no stern judgment. Rather, she'll listen to you (and all your tales of woe) and help think of things you can do to keep your hands and nails as healthy and attractive as possible. Here's someone who clearly loves what she does; it's your good fortune that what she does is make you feel and look good. There's the soothing hand and arm massage with your choice of scented oils, and the delicate buffing and polishing with the latest lacquers from OPI. Regular manicures are $20, French are $25. Well worth it for this little smidgen of serenity.
BEST BARBER SHOP Boike Barber Stylists
Is it less than manly to spend more than $15 on a haircut? The answer to that question is a qualified yes. For while it is indeed inappropriate for folks with a Y chromosome to drop a double sawbuck for a haircut and not get change, men who go to only one barber get their hair cut all the time. Say once a month. Maybe even every other week. Curiously, it is the men with the least hair who get it cut the most often--and this is certainly the case for the white-haired gentlemen at Boike. A cut here costs $12, though there's also a senior-citizen discount (naturally). Bringing a fashion photo of one's desired haircut would be ridiculous in this two-seat shop. The idea is to come often enough that the proprietor will merely nod at you while you drop into the chair and say something like, "Take a little off?" Another advantage of coming often: Art says reassuring things like "Your hair hasn't changed in the last five years, really," even if it has. (This verbal exchange operates on the same dynamic as mothers who don't realize their cute children have grown into homely teens.) The fact that Art does good work with the scissors and isn't afraid to break out the straight razor should go without saying. It is in the extrafollicular department, however, that this tonsorial establishment excels: Set within a mile of more than a half-dozen churches and three times that many bars, Boike is more tuned in to the old neighborhood than the community newspaper. Women drop by to ask about available widowers; hospital status reports are issued about ailing neighbors; church social events are dissected. The only drawback to this Nordeast landmark (besides the way hair sometimes builds up in frighteningly tall piles beneath the chairs): If there are any girlie mags here, they're too well hidden.
BEST TATTOO PARLOR Acme Tattoo Co.
Those brave enough to permanently decorate their bodies by way of repeated jabs of a sharp implement often experience inner conflict. The id envisions going through the rite of passage in a hole in the wall on the wrong side of town, surrounded by rowdy sailors and the cheap floozies whose names now grace the sailors' buttocks, swilling tequila straight from the bottle to dull the pain being inflicted by a sweaty, unshaven ex-con named Razor. Once the superego takes over, you might want to check out Acme. Proprietor (and 45-year veteran tattoo artist) Don Nolan and his wife Tanika run a tattoo parlor more closely resembling a cross between a medical exam room and an art gallery than the last stop on the road to ruin. Not only is Acme licensed by the City of St. Paul, the state health department, and the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the place maintains standards of cleanliness so high that even Mayo Clinic physicians have ventured north to be inked by the multi-multi-award-winning Nolan. No drunkenness or alcohol consumption is tolerated on the premises, but the staff and artists are so friendly, you may be able to convince one of them to let you call him Razor.
BEST FLORIST Arts & Flowers
Few shops, florists' or otherwise, are as instantly enticing as this one. First you glimpse the little storefront just south of Excelsior Boulevard, decorated with aluminum pails filled with lanky pussy willow stems. Then you walk inside and are immediately embraced by a rushing floral scent, caressed by the moist air and lush greenery. It's very nearly overwhelming: refrigerators filled with clusters of fresh-cut, vibrantly colored flowers (there are always a few varieties on sale, like a big bunch of hearty ranunculus for just $8, or tulips for $10); the many verdant plants at the front of the store (everything from tiny bonsai trees to tins of potted grass); the tables overflowing with potted orchids in magenta and white, their delicate heads bowed over gracefully (they range from $55 to $75). But even more exquisite are the artful arrangements of daisies, snapdragons, lilies, lilacs, tulips--even exotic flowers like birds of paradise. They're on display on a table in the center of the shop, priced anywhere from $35 to $50 (vase included), and they, or your own custom arrangement, can be delivered throughout the metro area for a nominal charge ($6 to downtown, for example). Special orders aren't a problem, though you may want to call ahead a day or two so the store can get the desired blooms from the distributor--sweet peas for your sweet pea, perhaps?
Readers' Choice: Bachman's
BEST BUMPER STICKERS Northern Sun Merchandising
Perversely, as undemonstrative as we Twin Citians are, there's something about this place that breeds the impulse to express our politically correct selves on our automobiles. When you see a vehicle belonging to such a bumper-sticker aficionado, you can be pretty sure he or she stocked up at Northern Sun. Prices are quite reasonable ($1.75 per; cheaper if you buy an assortment of ten or more), and the huge selection is divided into a half-dozen left-thinking categories (the environment, lesbian/gay, multiculti, etc.). Now, we're not the type to adorn our heap, but even we were tempted by the likes of "I HAVEN'T BEEN THE SAME SINCE THAT HOUSE FELL ON MY SISTER." And "VISUALIZE USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL." Another winner: "GOD WAS MY COPILOT, BUT WE CRASHED IN THE MOUNTAINS AND I HAD TO EAT HIM." If you're too much of a purist to own a car, the store also stocks T-shirts, mugs, posters, cards, buttons, and more.
BEST CAR WASH Jiffy Car Wash
This is decidedly not the place for the person who thinks of his car as an extension of himself. You know, the guy who spends all day Sunday polishing each piece of plastic with a special plastic-detailing rag. The rest of us go to Jiffy and get on with our lives. For $11, the good folks at this car wash will subject your heap to a thorough vacuuming-out and scrubbing-down, cheerfully transforming it into less of an eyesore than it was when you drove in. What more could a normal person ask for? "Where is the smoke-filled lobby?" you ask. "And what happened to the guy who drops his ashes on the seats because he's staring at my boobs?" Gone. Gone! At Jiffy there's always fresh candy in the machines and the little Christmas-tree air fresheners for sale at the counter don't have cobwebs on them. Go ahead, buy one!
BEST JUNKYARD John's Auto Parts
Looking for seat belts to replace the bungee cords that hold the doors closed on your beloved '84 Corolla? Get thee to John's. This place has been around for more than 50 years. And we ain't talking about one of those old-geezer-and-a-couple-of-mangy-dogs operations. Six thousand scrapped cars come through John's lot each year. After each one is drained of fluids, all usable parts are stripped off and cleaned up. The tremendous inventory is well organized, and if you can't find what you're looking for, one of the many staffers is certain to be close by to help. Though John's is open seven days a week, you don't have to drive there to shop. Parts can be ordered by phone, or off the Web site, with the help of an easily mastered parts-locator gizmo. Assuming you live in the metro area, your part will be delivered to your door within a few days.
BEST MOTEL Lakeland Inn
Insidiously but steadily, the classic mom-and-pop roadside motel has been vanishing from the national landscape. Like other bits of disappearing Americana (drive-in theaters, outhouses, and rooftop TV antennas, to name a few), not all the old motels have folded. But the big chains--with their economies of scale and brand-name recognition--have depleted the ranks. In the Twin Cities, some of the old-style motels that remain have fallen on hard times, as drug dealing and prostitution have taken hold. Fortunately, the Lakeland Inn, a modest, 24-unit, brick-and-stick edifice erected in 1951, has yet to succumb to such difficulties. Its allure is simple: cheap rates ($54.95 for a single, $69.95 for a double), clean rooms, and a sweet location. The Lakeland doesn't offer much in the way of other amenities. No lounge. No restaurant. Nothing, really, besides a couple of vending machines and, in the parking lot, a rickety basketball hoop. But a lodger's yen for food and nightlife are easily sated nearby. The legendary Lincoln Del restaurant is across the street, and there's a little Italian place next door. Dogs are welcome. The HBO is free. And a restless insomniac can ease the soul with a walk to Lake Calhoun, only a few blocks away.
BEST HOTEL Hyatt Whitney at St. Anthony Falls
The most crucial test of a hotel comes the moment you walk through the front entrance. In the space of that instant, a discerning guest will be able to tell whether this is a place that is going to take care of him. The Hyatt Whitney passes this test with ease. Attentive bell captains hold open the doors, ushering visitors into the spacious, elegant (but unpretentious) lobby, whose wood-paneled registration area and concierge desk are offset by Victorian-style overstuffed furniture, polished floors, and a grand staircase. Nestled at the south end of the Stone Arch Bridge, the wonderfully restored and remodeled brick edifice--the former Standard Flour Mill--offers lovely views of both the Mississippi River and downtown Minneapolis. Its delicate decorations (framed Victorian artifacts such as evening gloves, spectacles, and lace fans hang on the walls) and intimate scale (97 rooms, 40 of which are bilevel suites complete with parlors and spiral staircases) virtually ooze a sense of quiet comfort. Rates vary depending on occupancy and they range from the upmarket ($150 for a single room, $200 for a bilevel suite) to the downright ritzy: The entire eighth-floor penthouse suite (three bedrooms with whirlpools, two parlors with fireplaces, a grand piano and terrace) goes for $2,000 a night.
Readers' Choice: Saint Paul Hotel
BEST BED & BREAKFAST Mrs. B's Historic Lanesboro Inn & Restaurant
Regardless of whether B&Bs represent the middle-class rendition of hourly motels, they're an institution in this state, and especially in sleepy Lanesboro, where no fewer than ten quaint inns compete for the attentions of romance-seeking travelers. Of those ten, none is more genuinely comfy and historically sound than Mrs. B's, an old favorite whose business methods have been updated hardly at all in the past 18 years. (The inn hasn't yet adopted its own Web site, and it doesn't take credit cards, either--and we love them for it.) Located on the banks of the Root River, about 125 miles southeast of the Cities (close enough to reach without burden, but distant enough to allow the feeling of escape), this 1872 limestone inn is a clean, quiet, classic B&B with ten Victorian-style rooms (none of which costs more than $95 per night), boasting amenities like sleigh and canopy beds, fireplaces, balconies, and views of the river. Its unexpectedly high ceilings and moody parlor (complete with well-stocked library and baby grand piano), make you feel welcomed immediately, though not necessarily encouraged to talk; the hospitality is not at all pushy. Along with the hearty complimentary breakfasts, the inn's trump card is its optional evening dining: a five-course prix-fixe ($24.50) extravaganza available Wednesday through Sunday that stretches to two hours in the consumption. From the bread to the soup to the dressings, every single ingredient is made from scratch, and the inn's new chef, Steve Rumpel, is happy to prepare special meals for vegans and others with particular needs. A midweek visit in the dead of winter is liable to give you the entire inn to yourself. For those who desire a little exercise outside of bed, 60 miles of paved biking, hiking, and skiing trails are located right outside the front door (not to mention canoeing and trout fishing in seasonable weather).
BEST BABY GOODS STORE Baby Depot
Tucked away in an odd loft way in back, the baby goods department of this discount store has a lot of the same stuff as those upscale boutiques, but at a fraction of the cost. Nursery furniture, strollers, highchairs, gliders, bath seats--egads, the list is endless. Everything's first-quality, not discontinued or out of date, and it's all selected by a staff that attends trade shows and the like in order to keep abreast of safety features and industry trends. Baby Depot also offers "multiples" discounts for families buying more than one of many large items--a godsend for folks with twins or triplets, and enticing for those of us who are too lazy to move the car seat from vehicle to vehicle all the time.
BEST USED CLOTHING STORE (KIDS) Better Than Ever!
If you can get it for three bucks, what does it matter if Junior is busting through the snaps on the crotch of that adorable onesie in less than six weeks? Gymboree, Baby Gap, Old Navy, Little Me--all those adult-priced labels that taunt proud new parents from store windows can be had guilt-free at this southwest Minneapolis consignment shop. There are teeny socks, buntings for every conceivable temperature variation, winter hats, sun hats, a whole roomful of clothes sized for toddlers and preschoolers--even a decent designer selection for Mom. Wares are chosen carefully, so if your treasures are in good shape when you're done with 'em, bring them back and consign them and spend the proceeds on yet more goodies. Hours are restricted, so you'll have to time your visit: Thursday and Friday 11:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m.; Saturday and Sunday noon to 5:00 p.m.
BEST TOY STORE Creative Kidstuff
Rare indeed is a store with its own philosophy. But then, Creative Kidstuff, which Cynthia Gerdes founded in her Linden Hills neighborhood 18 years ago as an alternative to violent and faddish toy outlets, has always been a cut above. Now, as then, Gerdes refuses to stock chintzy or cheaply made toys, favoring instead playthings that inspire, educate, and entertain. The selection at each of her six Twin Cities locations (of which the above-mentioned original spot remains our favorite) is impressive: books, sock monkeys, painting sets, anatomy models, microscopes, building blocks, more books, jump ropes, geodes, model rockets, stuffed animals, dinosaur puzzles, and more books.... Creative Kidstuff's super kid-friendly staff can point you in the right direction, but seeing as how the store's philosophy is "touch and try everything, have fun," little ones are best left to explore for themselves.
BEST CHILDREN'S BOOKSTORE Wild Rumpus
How much fun can a child possibly have in a bookstore? We guarantee that a visit to this Linden Hills shop will result in a joyful noise. Kids enter Alice-in-Wonderland style through a child-size purple door, behind which awaits a wacky menagerie--including a dovecote, caged songbirds, napping cats, and one plucky chicken. There's a haunted house (go there to find scary stories and rats under the floor!) and lots of cozy chairs and nooks for storytelling time. But don't expect any run-of-the mill events at this eight-year-old establishment, where recent activities have included a poetry workshop, a mud pie bake-off, and a yo-yo demonstration. There's always something happening on Saturday afternoons, so kids will be happily entertained. Meanwhile, adults in the group can browse (if the children's fare doesn't float your boat, check out the small selection aimed at grownups) or sit for a spell with a cat in the lap. And if you're looking for something but can't find it, don't hesitate to ask for help--the staff here is ever-cheerful and enthusiastic. Almost makes you want to be a kid again.
BEST HOBBY SHOP Scale Model Supplies
The Hub Hobby Center in Little Canada is a little more well-rounded: There are kites and crystal radio sets to entertain spouses and children who don't know HO scale from a hole in the ground, and nice carpeting. But if you want to look through more models than a hundred people can build in a lifetime, go to Scale Model Supplies. This pegboard-walled basement space is filled from floor to ceiling with everything from military hardware (Sopwith Camels, Harrier jets) to character models (Henry the Eighth, anyone?) to dioramas (giant scorpions on the rampage!). But although the assortment of other models is staggering, model railroading is where Scale Model Supplies' heart lies, as evidenced by the retired railroad-crossing sign that signals the front door. The stock includes hundreds of railroad-related items (videos, books, miniature buildings) in addition to model trains in all scales, and a demonstration area where you can see what stuff looks like once it's assembled. Of course, this hobby brings new meaning to the term "Some Assembly Required." On a recent visit, a patient mom was overheard cooling her young son's jets: "We have to build our hill first. Then we can decide to put some buildings on our hill." Words to live by.
BEST SPORTING GOODS STORE SportMart
Ever since Tiger Woods stormed the scene, even the neighborhood drugstore carries golf balls, bags, and clubs. Baseball gloves, basketballs, Rollerblades--they can be found in abundance at dozens of supply shops, right next to that requisite rack of Vikings jerseys. But SportMart is, to appropriate an expression, in another league. This superstore is so generously stocked, so spacious, that there's actually an entire aisle set aside for tennis balls. Tennis balls! No matter what the sport--soccer, volleyball, biking, boating, hiking--you're bound to find all the equipment you require at one of this chain's five local outlets. Another aisle is set aside for baseball bats, for crying out loud!
Readers' Choice: Galyan's
BEST BIKE SHOP Freewheel Bicycle
Sure, you could scour the classifieds, glide from garage sale to estate sale, or wait for the snow to fall and the prices to drop at the nearest chain. But if you're seriously looking for a new ride, take a spin over to Freewheel. The laid-back, worker-owned store on Minneapolis's West Bank has competitive prices on a dozen major brands. They offer a free tune-up clinic for new owners, a three-month, after-sale discount on their head-turning clothing and state-of-the art accessories. They even teach inexpensive maintenance classes. But what pushes Freewheel ahead of the pack is their do-it-yourself repair shop in the back, where riders can table their wounded bikes, dig into the toolbox, and operate for just six bucks an hour. And if you can't manage to put your derailleur back together, one of Freewheel's on-staff cyclists will happily intervene.
BEST ART SUPPLIES Wet Paint
Some might be drawn to bargain-basement deals at chain stores, but let's face it, these are the same people who buy all their shoes at Foot Locker. For the rest of us, there's Wet Paint. Why spend the slight amount of extra money and brave the no-elbow-room narrow aisles of this filled-to-bursting corner art shop? Because nowhere else in the Twin Cities can you get engaged in a spontaneous six-person debate on the relative merits of various brands of acrylic paint. Or find a piece of unmounted linoleum in a size no big store would bother to carry. Or that extremely rare and wondrously vibrant burnt-orange paper from Thailand that you've been looking for forever. For the best and most knowledgeable salespeople, the widest and most surprisingly comprehensive collection of all sorts of art supplies, books, magazines, and the like, and for the best dose of artistic je ne sais quoi this side of Paris, Wet Paint's the place.
BEST FABRIC STORE Dell Fabrics
"They have the best buttons." In cloth-loving circles, its like a mantra. To some, this may seem like no big deal. But no one wants to take the time to make something by hand only to spoil it by attaching any old buttons. Still, Dell's not merely about buttons. Whether you're planning to sew your own wedding dress or reupholster the armchairs Great-Grandmother Beulah left you, Dell's staffers can help. They seem to enjoy a project as much as the person who is doing the sewing and are happy to spend as much time as it takes to pick out the right pattern, the perfect fabric, and all those incidentals like turquoise hem tape and shoulder pads. Bolts of fabric from all over the world fill the shop with textures and colors that no chain store can match, from batik-printed Balinese cotton to handwoven India silk taffeta to a smart little collection of fake fur. If you don't know how to sew, an excursion to Dell will make you want to learn.
BEST YARN SHOP Depth of Field
Plenty of Twin Cities shops stock beautiful, high-quality yarn. But only a few offer the easy conversation and camaraderie that has been part of knitting circles since the olden days. At Depth of Field, the large wooden table near the front desk is the de facto gathering place. Sometimes silence reigns, broken only by the click of needles. But veteran knitters are often overheard helping newcomers to figure out patterns or choose yarn. Even the most misshapen sock gets some praise before its maker unravels it to start again. For those needing a bit more instruction, the shop offers many classes at affordable prices. (Weaving classes are also available on a less frequent basis.) When it comes to the tools of the trade, Depth of Field offers a large selection of pattern books, needles, yarn, etc. For the bargain hunter (contrary to what you might think, knitting is not an inexpensive hobby), discounted yarns and patterns are available upstairs in the loft.
BEST VIDEO RENTAL Discount Video
Honestly, we wish there was a bit more competition for this title, but on the basis of the three most important criteria for a video store--selection, selection, and selection--the venerable Discount continues to beat other tape rental outlets by the stretch of a T-180. Atoning for the defiantly unalphabetized holdings in the store itself, the user-friendly Web site not only allows the prospective renter to peruse the entire 13,000-title catalog in search of obscurities, but links each film to its respective listing in the Internet Movie Database for research purposes. The "Cult Movies" section in particular is to die for--although, to quibble a bit, the documentary selection isn't at all what it should be. Another drawback is the fact that Discount's die-hard tapeheads aren't apt to rent DVDs anytime this decade.
Readers' Choice: Hollywood Video
BEST PLACE TO RENT FOREIGN FILMS Intercontinental Video
Not much has changed at Intercontinental since it took this category last year: The West Bank store is still an unsightly mess, to the extent that it's amazing when the staff can actually find what you're trying to rent (and, alas, sometimes they can't). But even amid the chaos of tapes and boxes stacked floor to ceiling on both sides of the counter, what one has here is the chance to take home foreign titles that aren't in circulation anywhere else in town--and world cinema enthusiasts leap at that chance wherever they can. (Who cares whether Blockbuster is spic and span if you can't get Sauve qui peut (la vie)?) The many ultrararities at this truly international tape outlet include something for everyone from just about everywhere: Spain, Poland, Yugoslavia, France, Israel, Sweden, Hong Kong, China, Russia, and more, each given its own amply stocked shelf. And once you acquiesce to the high-pressure sell to become a member ($25 a year; two free rentals included), most tapes go for a mere $1.55 per day. (Members pay $2.50 for new releases, while nonmembers pay $3 for anything.) The store's laser-printed signs suggest: "If You Don't See What You Want--Ask!" And that's good advice, since you never know what you'll find--or not find--at this video equivalent of an overseas casino, where the risk is high and the payoff phenomenal.
BEST TARGET Shoreview Greatland
Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote of the feeling we get when viewing natural beauty on a large scale (oceans, mountains, and the like), the profound sense that we are in some way connected to something greater and more powerful than our pitiful little selves. Something eerily similar can be said of a stroll down the wide, well-scrubbed aisles of Shoreview Greatland, tended to by a bevy of Target's bushy-tailed, red-vested "associates" and teeming with dizzying quantities of reasonably priced merchandise. Housewares. Sporting goods. Lingerie. Office supplies. Groceries, by golly! Getting your Xanax prescription filled at the oversize; stopping at the food court (hot dogs, popcorn, an Icee? Or perhaps you'll be opting for the mini-Taco Bell or Pizza Hut?), standing in line at one of the 26 check-out registers--stop for a moment and take stock of the feeling that swells in your heart and slowly moves into the back of your throat: pride. Pride in the fact that here, nestled in the bosom of Shoreview, you're experiencing a living, functioning monument to the Midwestern Dream. Goshdarnit, friend, there's no shame in having to wipe a tear from your eye as you wheel your cart through the gargantuan parking lot to your car. When your kids ask why you're crying as you buckle them safely into their seats, tell them that the first Target store was opened in Roseville in 1962, and from that humble beginning the Target empire has grown to 921 outlets in 45 states. And as you drive off with your purchases, recall that while Emerson also wrote that most men lead lives of quiet desperation, he'd never visited Shoreview Greatland.
BEST MALL KIOSK Varie-Tee's
The naysayers among us can bray endlessly and effortlessly about the Mall of America. It is an easy target, with its legions of glassy-eyed consumers roaming about on ruinous spending sprees. But the critics overlook one fact: The mall is a fundamentally funny place, full of amusing people and quirky establishments that, if nothing else, aptly reflect the spirit of the times. Case in point: Varie-Tee's. The modest little kiosk, operated by husband and wife Gurdial Singh and Baljit Kaur, deals exclusively in the province of goofy T-shirts. A humble undertaking, yes, but for sheer cornball irony, you can't do better. "I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings," reads one; another says, "Be nice to your children. One day they'll choose your nursing home." The biggest seller of late, according to Singh, is the li'l number that reads, "I want to be a millionaire" on the front, and "And that's my final answer" on the back. Prices range from $12 to $17. If you pass Varie-Tee's without cracking a smile, consider getting a refill on the Prozac prescription. Or just lighten up, crack open the wallet, and embrace the Zeitgeist.
BEST 'DALE Unidale Mall
You can have your stinking Ridgedale, Rosedale, Brookdale, and all those other shopping palaces that so arbitrarily affix "dale" to their names. The Unidale Mall comes by its moniker honestly: It sits at the corner of St. Paul's University and Dale Avenues. At some 70,000 square feet, Unidale can hardly compete with its glitzy suburban counterparts in volume or variety. But it kicks collective butt on the most important score: lots of good deals and no need for the gold card. At the Disabled American Veterans thrift store, for instance, patrons can find everything from outboard motors (we lusted after a vintage seven-horsepower Scott Atwater, with tank, for just $299) to slightly used underwear (we couldn't resist the Skinny Dick's Halfway Inn panties, with an excellent depiction of copulating polar bears, $1.95). Beyond the DAV, bargain hunters can satisfy their yen for cheap deals at the Unidale's other budget-minded shops: the Super Dollar, Foodsmart, and 7-Mile Beauty Supply. While Unidale itself probably will never win any beauty prizes--what building erected in 1978 would?--the deals are downright lovely.
BEST TOBACCONIST Golden Leaf Ltd.
When the Golden Leaf opened 17 years ago, there were just a half-dozen or so cigar shops scattered about the Twin Cities. How things have changed. By the peak of the Nineties cigar craze, some 60 specialty stores had popped up in the metro, with many offering smokes at steeply discounted prices. Despite that boom--and the competition from online tobacco sellers catering to smokers looking to dodge taxes--longtime Golden Leaf manager Kent Charron says the store has hung on to its core clientele. "Everybody has taken a piece of the pie," Kent concedes, "but we're still doing very, very well. We have a lot of loyal customers." It's not hard to see why. The shop is small, but it boasts an enormous selection: 450 varieties of cigars, 60 blends of pipe tobacco, and some 112 brands of imported cigarettes--along with just about every tobacco accessory imaginable, from the top-of-the-line cigar lighters (we're partial to the gunmetal-and-chrome Mercury Quantum, "only" $55) to rolling papers and ashtrays. Care is taken in the presentation and handling of the product line: The walk-in, cedar-lined humidor is kept at a constant 70 percent humidity. A water-purification system has been installed to remove contaminants from the mist. And the cigars are regularly inspected and rotated (a process known as "fluffing"). While the average cigar at the Golden Leaf sells for about five bucks, connoisseurs can satisfy their Cadillac tastes as well. The Fuente Fuente Opus X, a nine-and-a-quarter-inch Dominican cigar, sells for $33.25 a pop--when they have them in stock.
BEST QUICKIE DIVORCE L&M Legal Services Inc.
There are times when technology complicates life (cf. Palm Pilots), and then there are times when it makes life wonderfully easy. With L&M, for instance, it's nearly possible to get divorced without ever leaving home. The company is a local paralegal service that has been processing "amicable" divorces for more than a decade, giving couples willing to be adults about it the option of circumventing lawyers and the attendant expenses in favor of a quick, clean separation of assets. One guy we know who used this service to end his seven-year marriage compared it to buying a Saturn--only easier. You hook up to the Web site, print the "Get Started" form, and mail it in with a $99 payment. Then you and your ex-to-be receive a package of forms by mail, fill them out (about ten pages' worth) and send them in, sign the court documents they send back, and file them (court costs: $132 in Hennepin County). There's probably no such thing as a painless divorce, but in many cases this is less work than it takes to get married in the first place.
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