AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR

TERI MAYERS

Lifetime Fitness,
2145 Ford Parkway, St. Paul (698-5000)

While a number of drill sergeants inspire (including Doug Melroe and Gerry O'Meara Haeger at the Firm, Bruce Camp at the Arena Club, and Chris George at the downtown Minneapolis YMCA, among others), the Twin Towns' top thigh-buster is Teri Mayers, aerobic coordinator for the Lifetime chain. This Wonder Woman's masterful conditioning classes are heart-pounding tests of strength, agility, and endurance, and Mayers eschews the kind of joint-shattering, don't-try-this-at-home routines of most garden-variety aerobics instructors. Non-Lifetimers can shake their groove things with Mayers every Sunday morning at 9:30 a.m. at the studios of Zenon Dance Company, 528 Hennepin Ave., Minneapolis.

ARCHITECTURAL SITE

ENTRANCE TO NICHOLSON HALL

216 Pillsbury Dr. S.E., U of M, Minneapolis

Go there before it's gone, for this stalwart hall has been condemned for a few years now and may be about to come down. The rounded entryway--pure art deco--reflects your face innumerable times in the shiny metal geometrical rectangles that go from bottom to top to bottom. With intricate metalwork and delicate door handles, it is art, and sometimes good art is hard to find.

BAR SCENE A YEAR AGO

GAY 90'S

408 Hennepin Ave., Minneapolis (333-7755)

There once was a time, and not so long ago, when a visit to the Gay 90's meant hitting a night spot where one might expect to find other gay people. No longer, particularly on weekend nights, when the 90's are about as gay as a D.A.R. meeting. Legions of straight women and their reluctant (but occasionally curious) boyfriends have latched onto the Nine-Oh with a vengeance, drawn perhaps for the sheer novelty--or is it the cheap thrill?--of hanging at a gay bar. Whatever.

DRAG QUEEN

MISS RICHFIELD 1981

This demure bingo gal, beauty queen, and roving ambassador of goodwill for everyone's favorite first-ring suburb is what every other tired old drag queen never is: funny. Moxie, she's got; armed with a sharp tongue and a wardrobe only Minsky's could love, the divine Mademoiselle R. elevated drag to new heights, and skyrocketed to the top in less than a year. Her February 1996 debut at the Gay 90's tired La Femme show lounge put that house of burlesque on the map, and 12 short months later she moved on to bigger and better things: Her "From Rags to Richfield" revue smashed all box-office records at the Bryant-Lake Bowl Theater during a sold-out eight-week run, and her public appearances--including a boffo star turn at Hollywood 10--are often the talk of the town, at least the part that matters. Look for her next show, "Color Me Richfield," in October at BLB.

PLACE TO BUY MEXICAN METAL
PICTURE FRAMES

BUG HOUSE

2114 Lyndale Ave. S., Minneapolis
(872-6308)

Every corner in the Twin Cities should have a kitsch store--some place where you can buy journals, rings, and incense 24 hours a day. But since we don't live in the perfect world, we can at least drive to the Wedge neighborhood's Bug House to find a huge selection of black metal frames imported from Mexico tucked away throughout the store.

PLACE TO DUMP SOMEONE/BE DUMPED

GROUND ZERO--
BONDAGE A GO-GO

15 N.E. Fourth St., Minneapolis (378-5115)

No one likes to do it/have it done to them. But if it must be done, remember that breaking up in public has great benefits: You can make a clean getaway, you have witnesses, and being in public just might tone down some of that excess melodrama. Imagine now the added benefit of breaking it off/being dumped in a public place where pain, torture, and humiliation are flagrantly on display and indeed encouraged. On Thursday nights from 9:15 p.m.-1:00 a.m., $5 gets you into a dark scene where you can drink (alcohol has been know to numb a wounded heart on occasion), dance, and watch the performers use/be used with candle wax, clothes pins, ropes, and whips.

PLACE TO FEEL INTOXICATED
WITHOUT TOUCHING A DROP

QUAKING BOGS

Theodore Wirth Park, Minneapolis
(661-4778)

A block or so south off of Hwy. 55 on Theodore Wirth Parkway is a seemingly unimpressive spot to park your car. What's a nature spot without a lake, hiking trails, wild flowers, or streams? Follow the soft pine needle-covered path a bit--ignoring the graffiti in pink that points to "the Bear"--and find something better: a bog. Moreover, one covered with peat and moss so that it seems to quake as you walk over it. If you're tired of your feet treading day after day over sure ground, a walk around these quiet wetlands should put you right again.

PLACE TO FIND MEN'S
ROLLER DERBY WARM-UP GEAR

J.T.'S FEATHERED DENIMS

Corner of Hoyt and Hamline, St. Paul

The "vintage clothes" shtick may be a rip-off, but it would take a miser's clench of the wallet to resist a blue, '20s-era swimsuit that fits so well. Prices at J.T.'s Feathered Denims range somewhere between Digger's and Ragstock, but it's the labyrinth of rooms that's the store's main attraction; if you wind around the store long enough, you just might find those purple cowboy boots you've always wanted. As the owner says, "I've got something for everyone, I'm just waiting for the right people to come in."

PLACE TO GET MARRIED
FOR GOLD CARD POINTS

CHAPEL OF LOVE
http://www.chapeloflove.com/index.html

Mall of America,
Second Level, North Side,
Bloomington (854-4656)

These days, when you go to apply for a marriage license at the Hennepin County Government Center, you get handed a plastic bag filled with samples of laundry detergent and cough medicine, these apparently being the products needed to make the most of matrimony. If Americans had ever gotten as firm a grip on ritual as did the Soviets, we'd all be forced to get married at the mall. The Mall of America's Chapel of Love would be a good prototype. Wedding packages start at $195-$295 for a Dream Wedding (that's use of the chapel for 20 minutes, a minister who will perform Christian, spiritual, or civil ceremonies, and background music) and run up to $3,245-plus for a Mega Wedding (including, among other things, an on-site bridal consultant, a unity candle, a garter, toasting glasses, and one bottle of champagne that can't be drunk on the premises). After the ceremony, you're left to your own devices; they don't sell lives there yet.

MAGIC FINGERS
IN YOUR CAR

LYNDALE BETWEEN
LAKE AND 50TH STREET

Minneapolis

It's urban shiatsu; it's drive-through Swedish massage; it's a rock tumbler in your knees; it's tooth-jarring, joint-wrecking Minnesota pavement at its worst, and if you don't like it you can travel by zeppelin.

PLACE TO JUMP-START
A STAGNANT MARRIAGE

SOPHIA

65 S.E. Main St., Minneapolis (379-1111)

If this place doesn't spark your ailing marriage, then it's time to cut bait. Designed to resemble a swank 1930s nightclub, Sophia is the kind of joint where the live music lures couples to the dance floor, the clientele actually dresses up to go out, and the low lighting makes everyone look like a movie star, even if they should know better. The downtown views from the patio are pretty darned swell, too.

PLACE TO HAVE SEX IN PUBLIC

PEAVEY PLAZA

AND

MINNEAPOLIS/ ST. PAUL
INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT ZIOSKS

Well, if you're an exhibitionist and have the cash to bail you and your sweetie out of jail, the water area around Peavey Plaza is a cool spot--and, being right across the street from the WCCO studios might land you that overdue 15 minutes of fame. But for the aphrodisiac jolt that comes with semiprivate public boffing, let us suggest the Minneapolis airport, where many of the concourses now feature little faxing rooms and tiny private offices where you can conduct your business: cheaper than a motel, less bumpy and prone to interruption than the "mile high club," yet still charged somehow with the frisson of jet-set travel.

PLACE TO WATCH SUBURBAN KIDS
LIVE GANGSTA FANTASIES

RIDGEDALE

12401 Wayzata Blvd., Minnetonka
(541-4864)

Before most West Metro parents head over to Byerly's to do their shopping, they usually drop their teenagers off here, one of the great bastions of wannabe gangsta suburbia. This is as close to the cities as many of these kids are allowed, so the intimidating teens of Mound, Wayzata, and Minnetonka Beach have worked hard to turn the mall into their own little Compton. Oversized Starter jackets and backward baseball caps go hand-in-hand with blond hair and Minnesota accents here, and one can occasionally overhear the gangsta tale of how Chad (or was it Tommy?) actually ventured into the city one day to visit his black friend. The tale is usually cut short when mom arrives to pick him up in the minivan.

RENOVATION

MINNEAPOLIS CITY HALL,
FOURTH STREET ENTRANCE

350 S. Fifth St., Minneapolis (673-3000)

Recently restored to its turn-of-the-century self, this soaring, cathedral-like space offers a glimpse into what the rest of this sadly neglected building once was. Hopefully an underground connection to the new Federal Courts Building across Fourth Street (now under construction) will do nothing to diminish the Richardsonian Romanesque grandeur of this awe-inspiring civic space.

SEX TOYS

SEX WORLD

241 Second Ave. N., Minneapolis
(672-0556)

When it opened three years ago, Sex World was the Hollywood Video of porn. Sure, they had shelves lined with multicolored vibrators, flesh-colored cock rings, and leather teddies. But from front door to back, the sparsely decorated superstore was just Stardust Entertainment with panting room: a dirty movie arcade featuring quarter booths, haggard "models" behind foggy Plexiglas, mind-numbing stacks of air-brushed nudie pictures, and over-priced "amateur" videos. These features remain. But in their commercial crusade against Midwestern reserve, the Kings and Queens of the Minneapolis Sex District have become a little less seedy and a lot more fun. There's an art gallery on the third floor, featuring everything from wet and wild watercolors to funky, phallic sculpture. The main floor is littered with high-quality costumes for dominants and submissives. And we defy you to describe a dildo they don't carry (or can't order). There's even a website (www.sexworld.com). Of course, a retailer who deals in Feminist Punching Bags and blow-up babes isn't for just anyone.

SUPERMARKET TO SHOP FOR A DATE

LUND'S

1450 W. Lake St., Minneapolis (825-2440)

No one who's loitering in the produce section here after, say, 9 p.m. would ever be caught dead wearing sweat pants. Nope, the yup-people who finger the jicama and compare each other's mangoes at this tony supermarket late in the evening tend to arrive decked out in heels, ties, fur, and lots and lots of black leather. If you've got a knack for asking suave strangers for cooking tips or help in selecting the perfect potato--which one is for baking, anyhow?--this 24-hour Lund's is even more helpfully located adjacent to the free world's largest selection of coffeehouses and even a couple of bars where you can retreat while your purchases languish in your trunk and the real object of your foray spins his or her life story.

USEFUL INTERNET SITE

SPEEDTRAP REGISTRY
http://www.speedtrap.com/speedtrap/

What happens when savvy Internetters band together? Invaluable tips like: "I-35 from Owatonna to Faribault: Owatonna is the MN State Patrol rookie division, they will get you even at 1 MPH over!" And "35E North & Hwy 96... Going north on 35E north of the 694 interchange in the vicinity of highway 96, Vadnais Heights. They patrol from the air and report down to unmarked [cop cars] waiting roadside about 1 mile after the speed limit goes from 65 to 55." Thank you very much. Speed trap noted.

VIEW

THE DOCK CAFE

425 E. Nelson St., Stillwater (430-3770)